It’s a family joke that when I have a terrible day where things happen one right after another usually someone in the family ends up being pregnant! Besides that title sounded better than Mad as Hell…so as not to offend my real religious friends.
It seemed like every little thing was going wrong today you know – little things like light bulbs going out, knocking a chunk out of the top of my head while cleaning the back porch, weed eaters that don’t work, and the hammer falling out of the closet and hitting me right between my eyes on my forehead…for starters… just a lot of stupid little things. The trouble is that when I run all stretched out each one serves as a reminder that I have not yet removed a few choice words from my vocabulary! When I am already stretched to the max it does not take much, so today was just yuck.
On another note, the nurse called today and said she’s finally coming to see Chris tomorrow…for what I don’t know. I am all prepared to tell her that home health agencies that don’t care are a dime a dozen and I can make one short call to the Advantage hotline and have them in a whirlwind. It’s kind of a long story that has taken about 4 months to come together. So the short version based on what I have learned is that back in May when Chris’ PEG tube was malfunctioning all they had to do was put him in “home health” so they could replace it…instead they let me stew over how little he was getting to eat for a week before the hospital could “work him in” to get it changed.. that’s the short version of a very long trying story.
So a couple of weeks ago it had to be replaced again and they knew the site was infected and instead of helping me like they should we again had to take an alternate route to getting it replaced. I am leaving out details here on purpose… but I could make heads roll had I been vindictive. Anyway now he has a finger that he keeps all scrunched up and it looks really bad and I feel like I have no one to call. The dr’s office has been better but basically says they don’t handle it – whatever it is … if I can get a person at all. And of course the home health won’t touch him right now. I feel so stuck…I wish I was a millionaire and could pay for good care! But I’m not so I am sort of stuck. I feel like I am becoming a B….loaded for bear just daring someone to say the wrong thing! lol…
Why can’t people just do their jobs? And why can’t they do it with passion – with a heart? It seems like everyone just wants a paycheck; but they do not really want to put any effort in it – just work passively 9 to 5 and who cares about anything else? …just feel stuck and sort of out of options.
So my thoughts instinctively go to Psalm 127 where the psalmist spoke of God being my help. I even wrote a song about it back when Chris was in ICU. I know I will work through it somehow to end up in faith…but He doesn’t seem to be much help. There’s been no “miracle.” I pray for the place on the inside of Chris’ elbow to heal…and it grows worse and he grows combative when I try to put the braces on that can help him. The finger looks no better tonight and I actually am afraid since I cannot get any response that he could actually lose it. Yet I do not see God step in…why? What’s wrong with me? He has healed many crippled people before…healed lepers, the woman who touched the hem of His garment. Am I not reaching high enough, hard enough, long enough? My strength is gone…
Tonight I just feel so alone…so betrayed…but oh well.
I have a couple of orders that are rush orders so I have plenty to keep my mind busy late into the night. Just waiting…on what I am not sure. But God said when we wait for Him He will renew our hope and our strength. I know the 120+ in the upper room did not know exactly what they were waiting for either…but they knew when it came. So tonight…I just wait maybe He will answer.