I think I am ready to write again…too many times my life seems to be a roller coaster and I avoid writing when I am on the down side. I never want to be a negative person so when the struggle gets too difficult to handle or express I just get quiet; at least on the outside. My insides are usually going a thousand miles an hour with thoughts and emotions that I am too afraid to express. But I think I have leveled out a little bit and can again begin to share my journey of faith.
Over the last few weeks I have really drawn away from everyone and everything…not that there are many people or things around to actually draw away from! lol. I even quite posting on Facebook as much. I figured if anyone wanted to know how I was they could find out without having to dig through all the trash that litters our Facebook wall. Anyway – I think a lot of that is the loneliness that chips away at my social sanity. Other than racing I really have no social life. And yet I am able to get Chris out a little more of late – when he is doing well…I was able to take him to my granddaughter’s dedication a couple of weeks ago. That was nice.
But even when I take him out there are all these emotions that go crazy. I wonder how he will react to what ever is going on around, will he sleep? Will he keep his head down or interact with others? Will he sit and drool on himself? And deep inside is the painful realization that those who meet him now – have no idea who he really is…or was. They are meeting a crippled man who has the gift of music inside – full of insightful questions and philosophical thoughts…who cannot think them or express them now. I think I sort of fear their response too…guess it’s just normal from here; but I so wish they knew the Chris I know…
And then there’s the uncertainty of how he will work with me. Here’s what I mean – he’s getting better which is good but means that as he is regaining his muscle control he decides whether he wants to help or fight me! lol. It’s a good problem to have – but I have had people walk right past me while I am trying to get him out of a vehicle with no success – and never offer to help. BUT at the same time – I have a cool neighbor who will come out if he sees us there and always help me get him out of the car. I guess there’s some of everything huh? But it makes it hard for me to get myself together to take him out.
It’s funny how we can get invites to go places. I always think they have no idea of what that looks like. They have no idea that we cannot just get in the car and go like everyone else. I have to wrestle him in the car – which is rough by myself – but doable! Then break down the chair into smaller pieces so that I can get it all in the car. Then there is the drive – and then I have to get the pieces of the chair back out of the car and put it all back together and then hope Chris helps me when I go to get him out of the car. And of course that’s all repeated to get back home. I am always pretty glad I went – but tired when I get home. It’s difficult for me to not want to draw completely away and let everyone come to me.
So anyway – the last few weeks I have been on the down swing and drawn away. I really wanted to give up on faith. Now you understand I look at faith differently than other people. Adversity has a way of helping us understand many things in a different light. I go through times when I get angry with God – I guess for letting all this happen and for allowing my son to be taken away like this. When the struggle gets too intense I tend to shut off…I really wanted to find an “off” button so the constant pain would stop. In my frustration I wanted to give up – completely. But I have found that trying to live a life without God is like trying to breathe without air. It’s natural – and necessary for life.
So here I go once again trying to make one more day with my sanity and faith intact. Right now I feel so far away from both…and from the rest of the world. It’s like I live in a different world than everybody else. For the most part I can endure the days. But then little things happen like when I take out the trash and see someone taking an evening run through the park; and I miss the freedom that I used to take for granted. Memories of just deciding to go grab a burger (when I used to eat meat! lol), deciding to head out on a hike, or spontaneously going to see what’s on at the movie.. are only memories now. There is no spontaneity every day is mostly the same. I think it is complicated somewhat when aides do not show up as scheduled and I needed to run to the store or go for a run. These are not complaints – I’m mostly ok with the way life is right now – not like I could change it anyway I just as well be content. Unless you have been a captive of life – you will not understand the perceived loss of freedom.
So today here is where I am – I am breathing. But with every breath I am realizing that as much as I need the air – I need Him to help me walk through this furnace. It does not matter how different I must live than others – it does not matter how long this journey lasts; I need Him.