I’m not even sure where to begin. For one thing, Chris has been sick with what I call the real flu! It lasted almost exactly two weeks and it was tough getting him on through it. He still is not sleeping through the nights yet. I am hoping that this will change soon! Today he emerged wonderfully. There is always the concern when he is sick that it will be a major set back – especially for the TBI patient. But he seemed to pick right up where he left off.. which wasveryencouraging for me. I’m going to start pushing him a little tomorrow – changing up our schedule a little bit. So we’ll see how we both do with it! lol…
Many times I just can’t write. I don’t know how many readers I had to begin with – or how many – if any I have left. But it seems like I am also emerging. On one hand I am so very comfortable right here in my cave. I have learned how to do virtually everything on-line and so now I have to do very little actual shopping. I like this arrangement anyway as I never have been a big fan of shopping. Occasionally I like to head out just looking around. But as a general rule – I don’t get the point. Just go to the store, get what you need and go home! (now if I could figure out how that works online I could save myself some money! Ha!)
I started asking family and friends to watch Chris so that I could get out a little more. There is so much that a caregiver has to deal with on any given day – but one thing we do not do well is take care of ourselves. Well after more than a year and a half of having Chris home I am finally figuring out that to take care of him properly means I must take care of my needs as well. But defining my own needs is very difficult. I think as a general rule I have never been a selfish person – always thinking about the other guy. Actually I do this to a fault but I won’t go into the deep caverns of all my erroneous ways! Suffice it to say that I am just not good at finding out my own needs. And then I am even worse at asking for help! Not a good situation – but I am in the process of changing it. And I think it is helping me in two ways. One I get out more and two my soul benefits from being taken care of – even when I have to initiate it and do it myself… still working on that one though.
So many things have happened just this month. I put together an actual book of the devotions I do for caregivers. It was really done only for a project. My friend’s ministry group in Indianapolis is putting baskets in a unit of the hospital there. The baskets are to be filled with goodies for families whose children have organ transplants. So I made the book for them to put in the baskets. I have been pretty surprised at the response I have been getting. I already need to order more books…I think that’s good…just sort of mind-boggling.
I think a lot about this journey we’ve been on now for over 3 years. I think about how God has provided each step of the way. I would prefer he just healed Chris – but since He hasn’t at least I can be so thankful for His constant provision. He has been faithful even though things do not look like I want them to yet. I am working on a leadership training course and this morning in preparation I was reading about Joseph. He is someone who had to question the dreams God gave him all those years before. As he sat in slavery and then in a prison – he had to think about how the picture wasn’t quite matching the dream. I have thought a lot about Joseph during this furnace we live in…but this morning – I thought about his dad.
Joseph had shared his dreams with his family – part of what got him in trouble with his brothers – and his dad had even interpreted it for him (through gritted teeth) — What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground? (Genesis 37:10) Jakob had to think often about that dream after he thought Joseph was dead and gone forever…but he could never just throw it away. Perhaps we throw too many dreams away because the dream doesn’t match our circumstances. The dream didn’t even match what Jakob came to think as possible. He thought it was pretty impossible just that they would bow down before Joseph – but once he thought of him as dead – it was really impossible...but not really…only in his limited mind.
I did a paper on Dwight L Moody one time when I was at Southwestern. One of his famous statements was the world has yet to see what God can do with one man who will totally yield himself to HIm. I think that fits in here because as the situation becomes more possible in our own minds and more constricting and more limiting…we end up taking our hands off of it. We discard it – and then God can work!
So for now – I’m working on getting my hands off of what God has said…waiting on Him to do His work. I wait for Him to fulfil His promises in me, about me – in Chris, about Chris – In Ronella, about Ronella…and so on. He is faithful no matter what I see. He is working no matter how angry I get at the situation or the picture life hands me. I really cannot do anything but trust Him; partly because none of it makes any sense any more! lol! I really have no clue – and you know I hate that. I like everything in order. I like to know where the next step is leading and how long I’ll be there. Now it may be old age – or faith – or neither…but I am just learning to wait. Period….just waiting on Him. It’s a little bit uncomfortable still — but I think it’s a good place to be.