From Here…

I am not sure where I will even start here… my emotions are all over the place… you should recognize that by the silence of the pen. When i am totally overwhelmed I do not write – I know – backwards…but just the way I am. Since I don’t know quite where to start I’ll just jump in.

Yesterday I was totally surprised…like a real surprise – don’t think anyone ever got me this good. My friend Prophetess Mary from Indianapolis had requested a skype meeting at a certain time. Which was really odd…but I agreed. While we were “chatting” this group of people walked through my front door being led by my daddy carrying three pizzas. I was like “what the….?” To keep it short basically my friend Mary and my daughter Ronella had collaberated and came up with a big surprise “minister’s appreciation” party for me! It was quite amazing that they pulled it off using facebook and texting! lol!

I just kept thinking that I was so unworthy of such a party. All that was going through my mind was how I felt I had given up on ministry…I really want a new definition on that term…I think some of my trouble is of course from the abandonment I have felt…as far as how the journey has been too long for the “church” to help me carry the load…I’m better off for it though.. I’ve said before – Chris and I were the church’s test…and we fail miserably. And I fail miserably… I have wanted to give up on literally everything…everything…and all of the hopelessness and faith-lessness kept going through my mind.

Don’t get me wrong – I felt very appreciated and loved and it was an amazing experience that I will not soon forget! I very much appreciated it…I just couldn’t get past my own inadequacies…at that point. But when you get to the end of this post (if it goes like I think it will…) you’ll see what actually happened in teh spirit realm because of this spark they started yesterday….

So today I was still struggling with my “supposed to’s…” you know…

supposed to write

supposed to sing

supposed to write music

supposed to teach

But I keep getting hung up on where I am at. As my thoughts captured me and I fell into a pity party and got back around to all those questions about dreams… did He give them or did I make them up myself… type questions…I had this thought – why would He speak things into me and not plan on them happening? I shook it off though – it couldn’t have been God! After I thought about it a little bit I just got plain mad…then totally depressed. How could He expect me to fulfil the call He placed inside of me from here? Inside the furnace…inside the cave…inside this prison…?

So I took Chris for a walk through the park. He hated it.. toned out on me (I think the wind bothered him) I told him I was sorry but we both needed some sunlight. (I hadn’t been out since last Monday)…When we got back I let him lay down for a nap and I jumped on the treadmill for a quick training run…by the time I got off…I was okay. My conclusions?

I decided this is where I am (..deep huh?) I can either let it be my prison or figure out how to be free while bound. Unless God performs some big miracle (which honestly I doubt at this time…) this is it. I have lived the life I was going to live and now the rest of my days will probably be spent taking care of Chris and making sure that when I am gone he is okay enough to be cared for easily….that’s just the way it is. But that does not mean it has to be my prison…

I will figure out how to take him places. It is very difficult on my own – but as he is getting better (and is getting amazing at getting in and out of the car ) I have to get out… I’ll figure out how to not let the stares get to my emotions… and how to not let his deformities eat at me as people walk by and I wish he could walk or talk like them again… I’ll figure out how to get past the emotions of hearing music and longing for him to play one more song…I’ll figure it out! I don’t know how yet – but I will!

So I decided that since God put some stuff in me and wasn’t going to change His mind no matter how I pouted or fussed or refused…I better get busy. So I am trying to get to writing agian… probably a real weak attempt – but hey – it’s an attempt….

So I sat here tonight thinking about how this will not be my prison…and some of the things I can do to start getting Chris out…and try to do it without fear… which isn’t going to happen…but in the fear I am determined…to find a way to keep this prison from imprisoning me…and to know God outside the church’s weak walls. I do not want to read the word anymore and make it fit our organized religion…I’m hoping some parts will start to make more sense without my religious jargon….

So this morning while joining Prophetess Mary at her gathering in her home via Skype….and the Lord pulling at my heart and me trying to pull back as hard as I could…I kept thinking about how I don’t want to do music, or teach, or preach (or share if you do not believe in women preachers! lol — too late!)…And the birthing I went through all day long to come to a sense of peace in it all… from here….

Only to have my friend from Pakistan hook up with me via Facebook…(instigated by Mary I am sure now…and Holy Spirit of course) and I am teaching via SKype agian in Pakistan this weekend….did I mention I don’t feel like teaching? lol…

So here I am getting ready to retire for the night…bolus Chris.. tell him how much I love him and how good he’s doing one more time today…and determining to live from here…somehow…some way. I simply cannot find it inside myself to think that God would put a bunch of stuff in me to do and tease me by not making it possible…so there has to be a way…from here. Sure it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to…but hey – I’ve been surprised at least once before!

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  1. #1 by Laura Ruth Hogston on October 31, 2011 - 5:46 am

    How many people have been discouraged over the years by the one statement you made, “it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to.” I myself have had those times, Lord, I know what is in my heart… I know what I am called to do… that thing in me that will not die. And I think right there is the answer… that thing in you that will not die. The furnace cannot destroy it. The prison cannot bind it. And the Cave cannot hide you from it. It is there a part of you that will not die. But some people bury what is not dead. They pretend it isn’t there because they don’t want it unless it fits in their little box. Unless it looks like every one elses. Unless it glitters.
    I am called to preach…or like you I say teach, exhort, share… for those who do not believe in women preachers (which where I live is a lot of people, my husband used to be one of them, but that is a whole other war story, lol. ) I do not have open doors, I have walls. I do not have invitations, I have situations. But I have learned the ministry in writing…( God told me one time that if Paul hadn’t written letters while in bonds we wouldn’t have most of the New Testament). I have learned to harnass the loneliness of the things I cannot share and make them precious jewels between me and the Lord. When he gives me opportunity to share them I do, and because it is rare, it makes it all the more precious. I sing, but I don’t have a wonderful voice. My family are all so talented… I am not. But I know no one can sing my song but me. But I have had a battle over the years, throat problems that caused me the embarrassment of having to sit down several times… not exactly what I wanted to happen… when all I wanted to do in my deepest heart was to sing. I threw my song books in the garbage several times, dug them back out. It wouldn’t let me go. It is not what I would like it to be but it is what it is.
    In my broken times I pour out my complaint to the Lord, like David did, and sometimes my spirit is overwhelmed in me. But, there is that in me that will not die… and there is that in you that will not die, it will not let you die.
    But I didn’t write to hash out my own demons. I wanted to tell you that even though I know what you do right now doesn’t seem like ‘ministry” as we know it. God is using you. He is getting out a message for those who have no voice. Those who are forgotten, who are broken and tired and questioning… those whom the church has chosen to forget.
    I am guilty of being Peter, James and John, asleep outside Gethsamane. Jesus in the battle of his lifetime.. his closest friends and companions… sleeping. I have been guilty of not giving of my time, strength and even my prayers in someones time of need. I want to do better. I want to know how to. I want these things because you, my sister, have opened my eyes to their needs, my heart to how they feel and my spirit to the compassion I had lost.
    I thank you. I am so sorry Chris and you have had to be on this long journey. I am sorry that the furnace is heated (seven times hotter) and you find yourself the one in the fire. But I have to say, you are an amazing testimony of what God can do with furnace walkers. As Chris does better and better, your efforts and prayers are paying off. As you learn and grow, your endurance and faith are being strengthened and purified. As you let us look in through your window… we are seeing that there is much ministry that must be done outside the four walls of our buildings. The heart must go seeking for the ones who need us and we must be willing to go.
    Sorry I have went on so long this morning but your post has hit a nerve with me. Many of us have prisions in one form or another, we have our favorite caves to hide in, our pits we are thrown into, our bondage we are sold into, and our furnaces we must walk through. Thank God he never leaves us alone, he is there that constant flickering of purpose in our hearts, when our flesh has long since quit caring or hoping or desiring anything at all.
    I will be holding you up in prayer, wish I could do more, but I know prayer changes things. Love you much, you are in inspiration, a true testimony of what God can do.
    God bless and keep you and give you all you need, even if it comes from the most unlikely places, and may he take you by surprise a little every day.
    your sister in Christ, Ruth Hogston.


    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on October 31, 2011 - 6:46 am

      Thank you my friend for your kind, encouraging words as well as the insight you shared with us. I know I am guilty sometimes of thinking I am the only “furnace walker” out there as I get lost in my own pain at times. But there are indeed many of us who do not fit the “profile” the church feels is necessary to be what they think is “valuable” to them. They miss the whole point, don’t they? – but then it saddens me to think of how many years I was the same..Good thing that each of us – along with the gifts He placed inside of us are valuable to HIm.. not sure why anything else would matter! Thanks so much for sharing with us your walk in the furnace as well.

      in Him,


  2. #3 by Jeannie Brown on October 31, 2011 - 8:06 am

    Ruth Hogston said it so well: “there is that in you that will not die;” and, “furnace walkers.” I think there are so many more that are “in the furnace.” God has His Own Way of “making us” what He desires us to become. He is looking for those who “walk by faith and not by sight.” “Blessed are you that believe and yet have not seen.” I am pretty sure that is called FAITH in God’s book!!! That is all that He wants: FAITH.

    Bless you my dear sister in Christ. I am greatly privileged to have met you. Continue to “press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling that is in Christ Jesus.” You are precious in His sight; He will keep you as the apple of His eye; we love you.


  3. #4 by Jeanie Olinger on October 31, 2011 - 8:17 am

    Thank you – and I love you too!


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