Can’t Explain It…

It’s no secret I have had my share of moments where I have been angry with God. I really think given the circumstances that it is “normal.” I still struggle with feeling as though I have absolutely no faith. And I feel like a major trust was broken as I always trusted Him to protect my kids…which He did in a much deeper way than just physical…but that understanding does not lessen the pain of the natural.

But there’s just something inside of me that just cannot give up…even when I want to. And that is what I cannot explain. Sometimes it is nearly frustrating itself..I have too much word in me I guess…because just one little phone call, or email with a question and it just pours out…even while I am still asking myself if I believe it or not…it’s like it’s ingrained inside of me. I am guessing that this is what James 1:21 is talking about when he says to recieve the engrafted word of God. And the writer of Hebrews reminds us of the promise that God made to write His word in our hearts….it looks like He meant it.

Honestly, there are times I do not have the strength to read, or to try. Many days I just breathe…and make it through to the next one. But of late even in my state of not knowing, not feeling, not caring that i don’t feel or know…it has shocked me at all He placed inside of me. And it’s just as amazing when I hear it leaking out my own mouth…shocking is a better word because I know my own doubts…and fears…and insecurities. Yet He put His word inside of me and even when I feel like I am rejecting Him…He is still wooing…still working inside of my dead soul…giving me a little bit of a reason to breathe for one more day…

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