Okay – you should have figured out by now that when I do not post for a long time it is because the fog got too thick for me to see and I went into shut-down mode. And that is where I have been for some time now. I think it’s been about a week but it feels more like a month. I think the downward spiral started with some bad news.
I saw a notice on facebook about a friend’s friend whose son was injured in an accident. So I immediately starting praying for the family and following there updates. Much of it was so similar to our first few days in ICU…praying for a miracle and believing in spite of what we saw. I grieved with them and from the nature of the injuries I knew it would be a long road for them too. But I kept my comment positive and tried to offer comfort. The church they attend had a big prayer rally to pray for a miracle for the young man (who was about Chris’ age) and I realized I did want them to get their miracle…but I would really be mad if they did. Mad and glad!
I prayed for his recovery and hurt with his parents so much I could barely speak myself. I really understood much of what they were going through. It did not sound good and he seemed to actually have more extensive injuries than Chris had recieved…but then the young man passed away. I cried quite a bit for people I did not even know and will probably never meet.
But the parents made a statement that I could not get over. I in no way felt bad toward them as I know they were dealing with their great grief the best way that they could… and they were trying to shake off the shock. But they said, it’s better that he go on rather than living with a disability. While I did understand what they meant it sent shock waves through my heart. I went in to Chris and scooped him up from his bed and held him and cried….if he’s gone – there’s no hope….and I am not ready to give up on that yet….
I sure won’t tell you it’s been easy – and it’s not even been any easier since that moment either. And here in this heart wrenching, gut wrenching fight for my son… I’ve found myself stripped down to the basic me.(quoted from a friend in a support group)…and that’s really true. It’s like I have gone full circle in my life and all I’ve found is myself. But for me, it’s like I have found the me that everyone has tried to change all my life.
People wanted me to be more feminine, less active, have a quieter nature….don’t talk so much – don’t ask questions… and it went on until now – I really don’t care!!!
Yeah, you heard me right – I do not care anymore. I’m back to me – back to that basic – what you see is what you get lifestyle! I think it’s good… but really it doesn’t matter to me anymore if it is good or not – it’s just me! So what!!! I am learning (and it only took me 50 years) that I don’t gotta be nobody for anybody…it’s just the simply complicated me!