Ramblings of a Broken Heart

I’m not real sure where faith went…but hopefully I will find it by the end of this post as that was pretty much my point for starting this blog to begin with. I really can’t explain where I am right now in my life…I never pictured myself as a caregiver before and certainly never (and I mean never) ever wanted to do anything in the health related world. My mom worked in it for years and I really had no interest at all…so that alone was way out of my comfort zone to begin with…

But here I am trying to be a nurse, an aide, a therapist(physical, occupational and speech)…and just a mom. And honestly I feel like I fail at all of it most of the time. All I can do is try to piece a few things together that I have learned along the way…and that’s not much.

Oh yeah, the doctor came last week…asked if I had heard anything from anyone associated with physical therapy. I said, “No.” He said, “well, that’s strange.” I said, “Not really.” I guess he thought some miracle was going to happen just because he put it in his notes this time…but I must say this- Chris is really getting better in spite of my poor knowledge and care!

He is moving more and doing more and for that I am very thankful. He keeps surprising me and in my heart I feel like we are in the spot that I just need to get everything turned back on so he can start moving. I mean, he’s pretty well awake all day now. He eats good twice a day. He’s moving his legs and arms quite a bit more and he’s moving his head around too….but as one of my friends put it “it’s bitter/sweet” yes it’s good… very good and I am very thankful…but it is also heart wrenching to be celebrating my 27-year-old son finally being able to put the spoon to his mouth, or brush his teeth a little…and honestly, I am not sure I can stand the pain much more…but I can’t stop it…and it won’t just go away…because even the moments that it’s better – one glance at my grown son drooling on himself and it all returns…and I get sucked in to this huge dark chasm of emotional nothingness…like I don’t really exist.

That’s when all the questions start – the ones that there are no answers to. And really – it’s not like God is obligated to tell me anything…or to promise me anything…or to give me anything…I’m just supposed to believe that He is out there – and serving Him is better than the options although I see no benefit for serving Him here…maybe I’m missing something

Perhaps I have committed some grave sin and this is my punishment…but wouldn’t it be better to tell me so I can fix it?

Perhaps this is something (and I teach this myself) that has eternal purpose and we just can’t see it…What kind of God is that?

Where is the Jesus that healed in the Gospels? Where are His miracles that I have spent my life being in awe of and reading about? Maybe He ran out of miracles just before 8:30 in the morning on Saturday, November 8, 2008…

Maybe the Puritans were right – He created the earth and then just sat back on His throne to see what we’d come up with down here…

What eternal purpose could God have in wasting all that he put in my son? I long to hear his voice again, argue with him, hear him sing and play again…but it’s gone…and so is my song…and I really don’t care. Why didn’t God waste me instead? And yet in a way He did…I cannot dream…what about all those things that He supposedly put inside of me? I have to lay them down…they do not exist from here…

Oh I know God is out there…He’s out there…and I suppose the advantage to serving God is all seen in the after life… it’s all out there…so why do we stress so over it here? Maybe we could just live here…wasn’t that sort of the point to begin with?

Well, I haven’t found faith yet – or hope. Just another evening typing away on totally meaningless topics trying to make a buck…what a life hey? It’s not exactly where I thought I’d be at 50 – nearly 51…but I suppose it will have to do! I’ll be free when Chris is free…

I do not know how to get out of this hole – just being honest. I’m plain tired. And it’s  a tired that won’t go away after a break – because I would still come home to see my son in a debilitated state…so there – I’m broken…

All I can do is wait and see if I am worth it to God.

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  1. #1 by linda pullen on July 12, 2011 - 11:37 am

    I know the place your at, because I have been there. It’s not agood place. I wish I could tell you how to get out, but I’m not sure I know how. Looking back I guess I got better when I got better in my body. My worst thought was, I know God can do anything, but not for me! Once the doubt comes it takes over. Probably the prayers from outside is all that works. I know you are getting lots of prayer for both of you. I know you think this is your job, but I think you need a break. I’m sure you have checked out most places that could help. Or getting mor help at home? There has to be a change or you will go down to. You have to hold on to truth, God IS still the same, it’s your thinging that has changed, your hope is gone you have to have some positived in your home. Praise is good, even when you can’t, let your cd’s do it for you!! love you, your not alone in this battle, Linda


    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on July 13, 2011 - 3:58 pm

      You are certainly one person who I believe when you say you at least understand in part! I know that the “prayers from outside” have carried me through many dark days – and probably will in the future as well. Thanks for hanging in there during this time in my life when I feel so many have departed…I love you and appreciate you – and just so you know… I have spent many days praying for you as well.

      love ya,


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