Life is certainly no less interesting just because I live in a cave! I am realizing more and more how each decision can have such an influence on the rest of my day – and even the rest of my life. Any more it’s a moment by moment decision it seems. One thing I am thankful for is my work…it keeps me busy and it is at least something constructive!! And when it is overwhelming I do stop to return to thanksgiving for having all the work!
I guess what drags me down (or at least tries to) is that no matter how much “better” it gets…my son is still sitting here totally incapacitated. I am so very thankful for his progress to date…don’t get me wrong. But there are some aspects of the situation that do not go away even on a very good day. LIke this morning when I was mashing up a half a banana to go with his yogurt. My emotions are very divided. On one hand I can rejoice in the progress he’s made and the increased grocery bill!! lol! But then the gravity is that I am smashing up a banana for my 27-year-old son who should be asking for steak and potatoes, or offering to go grab us a burger! I feed him breakfast (which he ate really fast today – yeah for progress!) and then head to the computer to get lost in my work while he rests up until I figure out what kind of therapy we will be doing today.
It seems that it wears away at my faith…even as he gets a little better every day it sure feels like my strength and stamina get a little weaker. I’m constantly torn in holding on to His promise and having to accept the reality of the day. This is our life now.
I can’t ignore it to embrace the promise…I must do the best I can for my son every single day. And I feel a little guilty now taking advantage of his sleepy days! I let him rest more on those days because our body heals while we sleep. Then I try to catch up work, read, or nap for myself. And it always feels like I should be doing more for him…no matter what kind of day he’s having.
It’s just this vicious cycle that I call life now. It’s really nothing like I imagined I would be doing after 50 – and certainly didn’t expect this for my son. It’s funny how you raise them up and protect them and train them to handle situations and then it is all thrown away with just one miscalculation…on someone elses part…
But then the other side is that I know the Lord in a different way than ever before. When I get through writing here I’m going to do a blog to the prophetic community. Its context will be on the different ways He has revealed Himself throughout my life…and I am living in a totally different zone right now. It’s sometimes a scary zone too! lol! I fully trust Him but not in a presumptuous kind of way. I used to think my “trust” was just believing in His protection for my physical body. My trust factor stayed high as long as life went along as I thought it should…but now I understand that I cannot presume what His decisions will be concerning me, my life, or my children whom I love so much…I trust Him no matter what His decisions are.
And faith looks totally different from here as well. It’s not anything about getting…but it’s all about living. Just being in Him and waiting for HIm to reveal Himself to you in the midst of the daily walk…not the walk to Him, but the walk with HIm. It’s all about just walking out what we discover while we are hidden in Him…I’m just sorry it’s taken such a tragedy to shake me off my religious view of God and let me see Him as Creator-creation.
It’s really okay now – that my life does not look like everyone elses…as I could never see Him clearly while I kept looking through religious shaped lenses…God – out of the box!! I think I like that…