Last week was really all that crazy! And boy were my emotions all over the place! I think I am still trying to pick them all up; although I think the smoke has begun to clear. I really took it hard when the hail storm took out most of my itsy weeny garden. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard until I started cleaning up.
I was pulling up some of the plants that had just started to bloom before the hail storm hit. I’d been so excited about their blooms! And now they were beat down to pretty much nothing and it hurt a lot more than I thought. I mean, here I’ve been nurturing them, talking to them, watering them and now they are a piece of mangled green mess…gone.
Iopted not not run the morning after the storm as I thought it was better get out and try to get the yard cleaned. I was soon interrupted by this surprising surge of emotions though. I realized that my garden represented how I felt in many ways. Here Chris and were in the height of our lives and we had it snatched away.
You know, for both my kids I’d been so careful to nurture the things I had seen God put in them. And they were both doing so well.. Ronella still is – I don’t mention enough how proud I am of her and I really feel she gets the short end of the stick a lot of times because she so easily ends up in the shadow of the tragedy with Chris… but I am very proud of my daughter and the Christian woman she’s become!
Anyway – as I was pulling up the poor blooming plants my emotions just welled up and exploded inside of me. Here I was on the brink of realizing my dreams of traveling to Africa and Chris was one semester away from graduating – and he was loving the classroom…and BAM! it’s all gone just like that brief but violent hail storm…all gone.
So I did what I always did.. I ditched the yard and headed out for a run! I didn’t realize how bad this side of town got hit by the wind and hail. It was like my life – an obstacle course – with nothing coming easily!
It really took me a couple of days to get myself together. But on Friday’s run I made a decision. I knew I brought Chris home on purpose. I also knew that I was giving my life away to care for him. I decided that the struggle was because I was always trying to pick my life and dreams back up…so my decision was to let them go for good! It eases the struggle…and I felt better.
I think we are this way when we are trying to live out Galatians 2:20 – we say we ae crusified with Christ and we have only a life hidden in Him…all the while we are still trying to piece it all together and make something happen on our own. Hence, we become troubled, unhappy… etc… it’s not that easy to die on purpose. But when we do the struggle ends. So here in my struggle of taking care of Chris.. I learned how to die in Christ! And that’s how I want to live my life from here on out… totally dead! lol!