Enjoying Life Now

I know I shared not long ago about how we can really only live today…but my thoughts went there again today. It was really in response to an intense missing of life…I was simply missing being able to make plans, go hiking on a beautiful day just because I wanted to and because I could…the little things like grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend or simply shopping without watching the time so closely so I can get back before the aid’s time is up.

Just before my thoughts consumed me and drug me down into the pit once again I had this crazy thought. I can only do with today what I can do today…stay with me here…

I began to look at the changes in me. I am a runner – I would have never dreamed that one up in a million years on my own. But I enjoy it and I can challenge myself with running – body, soul and spirit. It was quite the milestone when I crossed the finish line of my first half-marathon earlier this week!

I must say I have learned a lot about myself during this journey of faith. I found that in many ways I had given my “power” away and now I have relearned how to say, “no” without feeling badly about it. But I also learned that I have a softer, side – I can be a nurturer too. I always thought I was a fighter – but many times this surfaces because of trying to protect someone else. I hate to admit that the softer side is there – but I have found it. It kind of sounds like these two extremes don’t match. How can I be softer and more adamant about what I believe or feel all at the same time? I don’t know but rather than being contradictory, I am finding them complimentary…just weird I guess!

I don’t think I’m much of a musician…but I have become more of a worshipper during this process.

I am learning to enjoy cooking again. That’s something I used to do but kind of lost it over the years because of living situations.

I have discovered and am developing the writer in me. I’ve known I was a writer of sorts for a long time but never took time to work on it much…and now I make at least a small living at it!

So I have learned a lot about myself and I’m learning to accept me as I am…and one of the cool side effects of spending so much time alone  is that I am not too concerned about what others think about it! They won’t be here tomorrow when I wake up with myself – I have to like me whether or not anyone else agrees! I’m pretty cool to hang out with and may just be found laughing by myself plenty of times!

This journey is not easy – I won’t kid about that. But as the fires get hotter and I have even questioned my own faith and belief systems…I have to embrace the changes and choices I’ve made…I have learned a contentment that is way different than I ever thought it could or would be.

My faith is stronger I think although it is way different. I don’t presume that God is sitting on His throne just waiting for my every whim so He can jump up and comply. I see His protection and healing of us in a very different way…and I trust Him more – but different. I have a better (more thorough)concept of time…and its constraints on our thinking and actions…and how those need to be changed to match eternity’s view…

Most of all I am learning to just take what I have today. I cannot look at this situation in its entirety. I don’t spend a lot of time even looking back as it can be overwhelming. I may use it to see how far Chris has come…but don’t let me thoughts stay there or I can get overwhelmed by the whole thing too quickly. But I can deal with today…and do the most with this little piece of time that I have. It brings a peace in a weird sort of way to only chew the bite I have right now!

So relax – take today and do the best you can with it. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow = it has enough trouble for itself . Once again I must say we only have today – right now – who knows what a day will bring – learn to trust Him now…tomorrow will get here soon enough.

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  1. #1 by Jeannie on May 7, 2011 - 6:40 pm

    You seem to be able to “just write.” I have been critical at times, “please forgive me.” Then, I look again, and see that you can just “write.” Perhaps I envy that. I like to write, but I am too particular. I don’t just write for the sake of writing; I usually have something in particular in mind I won’t to say or it just doesn’t seem worth my time. Perhaps I shouldn’t be that way, but I am.
    That being said, (again, please forgive me for being critical), I do write a lot in my journal. I am careful not to write something that I wouldn’t want someone to read. Just things that I think about; don’t know if it would be really worth sharing. I always try to “pull up my boot straps,” before I finish writing anything, no matter how low I am, usually by scripture or something that has been said or done during the day that lifted me.
    Keep on writing. You do encourage others and I am very much aware of that (even when I criticize.) Thank you for being you.



    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on May 8, 2011 - 8:38 am

      Thanks for reading. My point when beginning this blog was to help others see that there was hope in the fires of life…that we really kind find faith even though we are in the hottest furnace of our lives. Part of the point was to let others see that the questions are legit – sometimes God does not answer the way we want or in our time frame… and He is big enough to handle us with our many questions, thoughts and even frustrations. We do not frustrate Him in that state… but we can always find our way back to faith – even in the roughest times. I may be guilty of “just writing” I don’t know…but I am attempting to be open and honest with my emotions (which is different for me so maybe I am failing at communicating such)…and let others see the real struggle. It’s easier to suck it up and put up a front of faith…but there seems to be more legitimacy to it when we can share in the journey to arrive at that point of faith…

      My whole intent was not to “pull myself together” before I shared… I want others to know that sometimes there is indeed a fight of faith and finding hope in the situation is not always the easiest thing I do in a day… and that it’s okay and human to have such a personal struggle…and it doesn’t make us any less of a Christian to voice it. And in many ways it makes us more legit and many times the struggle is there because of faith. I want to encourage others who may be going through the fire to hang in there…

      It’s about finding faith in the furnace – not avoiding the obvious or acting like it’s not there – or even hoping it will go away – rather I am open and honest (sometimes too honest perhaps) as I try to yeild myself to the fire and allow Him to change me in the process…

      I keep a journal as well – and trust me some of those things will never make it to the blog! lol… but the blog’s intent was to allow others to see the raw and open journey I am on. Sure I will probably write a complete book about it later. But time has a way of tempering the emotions and I wanted it to be raw and honest…I didn’t want it to be “all cleaned up” before I shared it.. what you see is what you get, I hope you are not offended by my brutal honesty here. And I understand if you have not had the same types of trying life experiences that would bring understanding…actually, if you don’t understand I am glad because that means that perhaps you’ve not been cut this deeply by life and that is good!



  2. #3 by Jeannie on May 8, 2011 - 1:42 pm

    Dear Sister of mine,
    I am so glad to have had a friendship with you. I did not mean to imply that I did not understand your plight. I really do!!!! I cannot speak of ALL that I have been through. I had to walk mine out in silence. There was no such thing as internet, or anyone else with whom to share during my “furnace, a flame” that I was not sure I would survive and would not have had God not intervened in my life. It was at this point that He gave me a weapon that I had all along, but never knew how to use: the Word. I had to make it a part of my every day life, daily partaking of the Bread of Life in this way. That alone brought me out into the clearing so that I could go on and go forward.

    I am grateful for His mercy, His lovingkindness and His personal attention to bring us into what He has prepared for us. It is through this “furnace” that has made Him EVERYTHING to me and has become my EVERYTHING. The “furnace” is what brings us to the point where we are SOOOOOOOO dependent upon HIM that we know that we cannot make it without Him.

    I have come to appreciate your honesty, being able to make “bare” your arm before others. Continue the good work. I know that it gives hope to many. That’s why I bless you, dear sister of mine.


  3. #4 by Jeannie on May 8, 2011 - 3:44 pm

    By the way, when I say that you can “just write,” this is by no means or stretch of the mind an insult. In fact, it is a compliment. You just put your “pen” in hand and “go for it.” It seems to come so “easy” for you. Although I love writing, even when I do write for others to read, I think it through. I have to have time. If it doesn’t come out right, I redo and redo and redo until I am satisfied. I try not to take the long way around to explain whatever it is that I am trying to say. I feel clumsy at times, then I do it again.

    “Something to say,” didn’t come across right. I AM SO SORRY!!!! I REALLY DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY!!!!! It takes a degree of inspiration for me to write when others are going to read. Now, if I get “really inspired,” it flows.

    And so it seems to “flow” when you write. That’s what I meant by, “just write.” It just seems to flow so easily from you.

    Happy MOther’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


    • #5 by Jeanie Olinger on May 9, 2011 - 10:14 pm

      lol! I really thought you meant that I “just write” and it has absolutely no value or meaning and that I needed to think it all through before I started writing. lol! It’s all cool… I actually take longer on most things and usually don’t even write here until I have at least a place to start. I write here a little more open to let others see the process I go through rather than just giving readers my final thoughts…And I think it is only starting to be somewhat easy for me…I don’t struggle nearly like I used to. That’s been one of the areas in my life that has really developed since I have had so many hours alone taking care of Chris.

      Happy Mother’s Day – my friend…



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