I know I shared not long ago about how we can really only live today…but my thoughts went there again today. It was really in response to an intense missing of life…I was simply missing being able to make plans, go hiking on a beautiful day just because I wanted to and because I could…the little things like grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend or simply shopping without watching the time so closely so I can get back before the aid’s time is up.
Just before my thoughts consumed me and drug me down into the pit once again I had this crazy thought. I can only do with today what I can do today…stay with me here…
I began to look at the changes in me. I am a runner – I would have never dreamed that one up in a million years on my own. But I enjoy it and I can challenge myself with running – body, soul and spirit. It was quite the milestone when I crossed the finish line of my first half-marathon earlier this week!
I must say I have learned a lot about myself during this journey of faith. I found that in many ways I had given my “power” away and now I have relearned how to say, “no” without feeling badly about it. But I also learned that I have a softer, side – I can be a nurturer too. I always thought I was a fighter – but many times this surfaces because of trying to protect someone else. I hate to admit that the softer side is there – but I have found it. It kind of sounds like these two extremes don’t match. How can I be softer and more adamant about what I believe or feel all at the same time? I don’t know but rather than being contradictory, I am finding them complimentary…just weird I guess!
I don’t think I’m much of a musician…but I have become more of a worshipper during this process.
I am learning to enjoy cooking again. That’s something I used to do but kind of lost it over the years because of living situations.
I have discovered and am developing the writer in me. I’ve known I was a writer of sorts for a long time but never took time to work on it much…and now I make at least a small living at it!
So I have learned a lot about myself and I’m learning to accept me as I am…and one of the cool side effects of spending so much time alone is that I am not too concerned about what others think about it! They won’t be here tomorrow when I wake up with myself – I have to like me whether or not anyone else agrees! I’m pretty cool to hang out with and may just be found laughing by myself plenty of times!
This journey is not easy – I won’t kid about that. But as the fires get hotter and I have even questioned my own faith and belief systems…I have to embrace the changes and choices I’ve made…I have learned a contentment that is way different than I ever thought it could or would be.
My faith is stronger I think although it is way different. I don’t presume that God is sitting on His throne just waiting for my every whim so He can jump up and comply. I see His protection and healing of us in a very different way…and I trust Him more – but different. I have a better (more thorough)concept of time…and its constraints on our thinking and actions…and how those need to be changed to match eternity’s view…
Most of all I am learning to just take what I have today. I cannot look at this situation in its entirety. I don’t spend a lot of time even looking back as it can be overwhelming. I may use it to see how far Chris has come…but don’t let me thoughts stay there or I can get overwhelmed by the whole thing too quickly. But I can deal with today…and do the most with this little piece of time that I have. It brings a peace in a weird sort of way to only chew the bite I have right now!
So relax – take today and do the best you can with it. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow = it has enough trouble for itself . Once again I must say we only have today – right now – who knows what a day will bring – learn to trust Him now…tomorrow will get here soon enough.