The Trouble Isn’t Caring For My Son…

We went to Louisiana this weekend to get the rest of Chris’ things. The guy who had his stuff has been so patient and never told me to come get it or that I couldn’t keep it there any more. It’s been there for two and a half years until this weekend, and he never said a thing but that it was safe and not hurting anyone! My sister and brother-in-law drove down Saturday and got it all!

I have to admit I had a couple of pretty good melt downs. I was holding up pretty good on the way down but when I saw his stuff sitting there on the patio I could feel it all coming up…I tried not to breathe…but when I opened the closet and there were all his clothes I just lost it…Tina, my sister, just cried with me. There was nothing else to do. Then I sucked it up and we got it all loaded.

Yesterday I worked on going through it all and getting it put away. I will not even try to pretend like that was easy. Some things are neat, like the picture I found that he had of me and him and Ronella’s wedding. It was framed and I knew he had it up somewhere in the room. I found he had so many lyrics and thoughts written on things and as I read through some of them I realized how much alike we are. We have similar thoughts on religion and truth and God…and the kid had pens, pencils and paper in pretty much every bag!

I had thought I’d just get rid of stuff like clothes and we could buy more later if and when he gets better. But I couldn’t do it. I washed up the shirts and shorts I thought he could wear now and hung them in the closet. Then I boxed up everything except his nice clothes (they are hung too). The really nice part of this is that I replaced the shirts in the closet with his own clothes. He wore a NSU marching band shirt yesterday and his own shorts! Even his own shoes for the first time in 2.5 years…but then he looked more like Chris…

When he was in the nursing homes his clothes had to have his name on them. That’s totally understandable! But I hated it! So yesterday out went all the name tagged clothes and socks!! I don’t know why that means so much to me, but I keep telling him, “These are your  socks Chris!” I don’t think he cares! lol! But it means a lot to me! No more name tags!

I realized in my emotional upheaval that it’s really not the caring for Bubba that gets to me. That’s a natural response from a heart filled with love for someone.But its missing the real him…who he was. All his drumsticks and music stuff…shirts from various events…books and cds and dvds…and he doesn’t care a bit! However, he has been responding to the drumsticks. He will take one and start moving his arm all’s kind of weird he can be sitting perfectly still but if I hand him a stick he begins to move his arm up and down and back and forth real slow…

I wanted to show him everything all at once and see what he would respond to! But I didn’t want to overload him! lol… but I did show him a few things throughout the day. He seriously responded to his stick bag. He stared at it for a long time. Then I told him, “open it up and show me what you have in there.” He started moving his finger and thumb and reaching for the zipper! I had to help him do it but he opened it and we looked at his sticks! That was pretty cool as he really stared at them…I wish I knew what he thinks…

I have pretty much stayed a basket case since Saturday…hoping to find some level ground. It’s honestly hard to even think of a scripture to console myself from here…sorry – there just isn’t one! I just keep thinking that God promised to restore and I am asking HIm over and over if He meant it or not… It’s just not in me to give up – and Chris keeps getting just a little better all the time…I just don’t know who he will be on down the road or if the rest of our lives looks like this…waiting…hoping…wondering…

I have to keep reminding myself how far he has come just to keep myself breathing. Faith I am thinking is just keeping on keeping on..putting one foot in front of the other no matter what I see or feel. I want to give up – but my heart won’t let me! So we just keep pushing Chris day by day and praying that one day God will hear….


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  1. #1 by Connie on April 25, 2011 - 11:13 am



  2. #2 by Jeannie on May 1, 2011 - 12:22 am

    Thank you for sharing this one. It is so great just to read of his response to what you gave him. That had to be encouraging to you. He has to be remembering some things or else there would be no response to those things that are familiar to him.



    • #3 by Jeanie Olinger on May 1, 2011 - 4:26 am

      That’s what I am thinking. The way he responds to familiar music lets me know it’s all still in there somewhere!
      thanks for reading, my friend



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