Another Cup of Coffee

That’s what I do when I’m not real sure what to do. I am really enjoying blogging (I have three now) and I am looking at doing a couple more. Just as side notes and to generate a little extra cash. I am beginning to learn a little more about this huge information high-way that we call the Internet… you know the one thing we can no longer live without! Anyway, during these two plus years I’ve been doing a lot of exploring and I am just now kind of putting some of the pieces together. I am still kind of scared about jumping out there, I really don’t want to waste me time.

So sometimes I get another cup of coffee and stare at the computer screen…just thinking about possibilities and letting ideas (dumb ones too) run through my head. You never know when one of them may turn out to be a good one! That’s how I have spent most of today…just one more cup.

 It’s been so hard to find work online and as it’s starting to come together at least a little bit – or at least make a little sense – or at least seem just a little bit possible – I just think…and take care of Chris. As he is waking up he is requiring more time and that’s really a blessing. It just means I have to be even more disciplined to get things done.

so basically, I can sit here and worry about how things might not turn out and get absolutely nothing done, or I can get in there, roll up my sleeves and give it a shot. And there I go again with my emotions…time for another cup of coffee…and more thinking!

Several things have come together for me over the last few weeks. For one, I relinquished all my dreams…I have no plans except to take care of Chris for the rest of my life. And in the process of letting go it gave me clearer possibilities from here. And I also just kinda got comfortable with me. Yeah, I’m 50 and I am just now okay with myself! How crazy is that? lol! I can’t really explain it and I won’t go into a lot of details about some recent happenings…but the end product is that I’m just cool with me. And the funny thing is…I don’t really care if anyone else is or not!

It’s taken over two years for things to start coming together. All the work type stuff and other things too. For instance after this week we will finally all be in one place for the first time since Bubba’s wreck. I had stuff here in Oklahoma, some in Louisiana and some in Chicago. This weekend I’ll get Chris’ stuff from Louisiana and we will finally be at a leveling off place…that’s how it feels anyway. I am pretty mixed emotionally on it. You know, when it all first happened I had the illusion that he’d get better and then we’d go back to our lives. I wanted to leave all his stuff just like he left it…but it has all changed…including my relinquished future views…time for another cup of coffee! lol!

It’s funny though that it’s all come together at this one point (where that is I can’t really say) and I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust. Then I looked further though and saw that He protects the part of us that cannot die…our soul. The very core of our being is safe in Him  So I trust Him on a much deeper level…I think I like it better. I am not presumptuous about what He is going to do or how He will do it…He really is God of my life…and I am at rest. Which only means one thing…time for another cup of coffee!

Care to join me?

Advertisements

, , , , ,

  1. #1 by Clyta F. Harris on April 19, 2011 - 7:01 pm

    Okay, here I go, Jeanie. First, I pray for you–not for strength to continue caring for Chris, or for financial blessings, or for spiritual growth. No, I pray that you never develop bladder incontinence and have to almost give up coffee! 😀 I’ve had that problem for over 30 years, and I’ve finally limited myself to about half a cup of coffee per day! I feel so deprived!! And I love coffee so much. Oh, well, that’s better than running around with a wet spot on my clothes.

    On a more serious note, Jeanie, I want to respond to a part of your blog:

    “I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust.”

    Jeanie, I could have written those words myself, as that’s exactly what I’ve been experiencing since Will’s death. I was so certain God had promised me that he would be okay, and he was doing SO well. If he’d been fragile and sickly, it wouldn’t have been such a shock, but he was thriving, gaining weight, responding just like a two-month-old baby should respond, despite having been on his back in a hospital crib for much of his life! My head knows that God is still sovereign, but my heart still questions. I ask myself so many questions: “How long does this last? When will I begin to accept and not question what has happened in our family? What I do to survive until healing begins?” I spent the bigger part of March working in my garden–great therapy, I have to admit. Now I sit and look at all that needs to be done in my house, but I just can’t get up the energy to work on it. I just pray no one decides to drop in unexpectedly and find things in such a condition. I keep my kitchen clean, my laundry washed and dried (but not folded and put away). I need to dust, vacuum, clean baseboards, and just pick up clutter; but I really just don’t want to.

    I love your words that I quoted above. I love your honesty, and I want to be as honest as that. I’ve been afraid to speak my feelings to anyone, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have them. Thanks for letting me know it’s okay not to trust the same way you once did. Maybe your words will free me to heal the way I need to heal. Keep up the good work, Jeanie. I love you, dear one. God bless you and Chris in all that you do.

    Like

  2. #2 by Jeanie Olinger on April 19, 2011 - 8:22 pm

    Clyta,
    First – coffee is a necessity…I limit myself to 3 pots a day (small pots that I only get 1 1/2 to 2 cups from). Otherwise I would literally drink it all day and I know that’s not a good thing, so I do have to set some limits. I don’t know what I would do if I had to limit it any more!

    Thank you for sharing your heart with me other readers. “honesty” was what I desired when I started this blog – a safe place to speak (or write) out all the real questions that the “church” won’t allow to be asked because there’s not always a prepared answer for them. The questions of “why” and the sorts we’ve both mentioned…they are real questions that religion tries to cover over…I want to be free from that to heal and also for freedom’s sake…God is so big our quesitons (the ones that scare religious folk) do not scare Him – He can handle it and in my odd way I think He would prefer honest questions than blind and numb service to Him. ( And trust me – I catch flak from the church on some of this) Or we are told we are without faith – but that resembles some of the discussion topics I see in Job who maintained his innocence and faith in God when others were questioning it…we faith-ers can act like the questions mean we don’t have faith – but I am convinced that our questions indicate deeper faith. Perhaps it is simply because we are not afraid to ask them!

    Thanks again for your openness and willingness to share. And thanks for reading…

    love ya,
    jeanie

    Like

  3. #3 by Connie on April 19, 2011 - 8:56 pm

    That part about “He protects the part of us that cannot die” is a profound statement. I have to believe He sees and knows and protects me and my loved ones. Without that I couldn’t rest at all; but I also know that if something does happen, He hasn’t left me for a second and will be with me all the way through it. You and Chris and a few others keep us aware that there are still deeper places to go, places to walk we never dreamed; and none of us have come close to the humiliation of the cross yet. But some have come closer than others. Hugs & Prayers.

    Like

  4. #4 by Jeanie Olinger on April 19, 2011 - 9:06 pm

    I do hope to get closer to the humiliation of the cross… My desire is to live in that place of worship… but it is still so far away…

    we’ll get there…

    love ya, my friend,
    jeanie

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: