That’s what I do when I’m not real sure what to do. I am really enjoying blogging (I have three now) and I am looking at doing a couple more. Just as side notes and to generate a little extra cash. I am beginning to learn a little more about this huge information high-way that we call the Internet… you know the one thing we can no longer live without! Anyway, during these two plus years I’ve been doing a lot of exploring and I am just now kind of putting some of the pieces together. I am still kind of scared about jumping out there, I really don’t want to waste me time.
So sometimes I get another cup of coffee and stare at the computer screen…just thinking about possibilities and letting ideas (dumb ones too) run through my head. You never know when one of them may turn out to be a good one! That’s how I have spent most of today…just one more cup.
It’s been so hard to find work online and as it’s starting to come together at least a little bit – or at least make a little sense – or at least seem just a little bit possible – I just think…and take care of Chris. As he is waking up he is requiring more time and that’s really a blessing. It just means I have to be even more disciplined to get things done.
so basically, I can sit here and worry about how things might not turn out and get absolutely nothing done, or I can get in there, roll up my sleeves and give it a shot. And there I go again with my emotions…time for another cup of coffee…and more thinking!
Several things have come together for me over the last few weeks. For one, I relinquished all my dreams…I have no plans except to take care of Chris for the rest of my life. And in the process of letting go it gave me clearer possibilities from here. And I also just kinda got comfortable with me. Yeah, I’m 50 and I am just now okay with myself! How crazy is that? lol! I can’t really explain it and I won’t go into a lot of details about some recent happenings…but the end product is that I’m just cool with me. And the funny thing is…I don’t really care if anyone else is or not!
It’s taken over two years for things to start coming together. All the work type stuff and other things too. For instance after this week we will finally all be in one place for the first time since Bubba’s wreck. I had stuff here in Oklahoma, some in Louisiana and some in Chicago. This weekend I’ll get Chris’ stuff from Louisiana and we will finally be at a leveling off place…that’s how it feels anyway. I am pretty mixed emotionally on it. You know, when it all first happened I had the illusion that he’d get better and then we’d go back to our lives. I wanted to leave all his stuff just like he left it…but it has all changed…including my relinquished future views…time for another cup of coffee! lol!
It’s funny though that it’s all come together at this one point (where that is I can’t really say) and I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust. Then I looked further though and saw that He protects the part of us that cannot die…our soul. The very core of our being is safe in Him So I trust Him on a much deeper level…I think I like it better. I am not presumptuous about what He is going to do or how He will do it…He really is God of my life…and I am at rest. Which only means one thing…time for another cup of coffee!
Care to join me?