It is My Choice…

Recently I watched a couple of movies about Nelson Mandela. One of them talked about how he read a poem every day of his confinment. It’s about being the captain of our own soul. Now I am not talking about some Godless, humanistic captaining here! But since I am the captain of my soul, I do have choices no matter what the surrounding circumstances.

Now I am not downplaying the terrible weight and struggles I’ve been through over the last couple of years. I also am very well aware that many times I feel like I am living in a sort of prison. But it’s a chosen prison. I am told I could put Chris in the nursing home and have some of my freedom back…I’m not willing to make that exchange! But that is my choice!

Actually I was looking at him yesterday and thinking about how far he has come since I brought him home…it’s really amazing how much he is doing now and how awake he is for larger portions of time. I shuddered when I thought about how much tone I had to deal with when I would try to transfer him and now how he does so much of it himself…I had a thought about how stupid or courageous it was to bring him home…simply because I didn’t see him getting what he needed where he was.

So while I was on my run this morning I was thinking about what some might call courage. Then my mind went to confidence and how it builds with experiences. But I also saw the series of choices that have had to be made over the last couple of years…

Then I realized that trusting God is also a choice. I can choose to run to HIm or from Him…and I chose to Him. I chose to sing in the ICU waiting room…I chose to live in a nursing home with my son in Bernice Lousisiana…and I chose to explore working on line…and I chose to praise God (most days) in spite of the circumstance…

My point is this – I am really the captain of my soul and the master of my fate in the sense that I choose to run to the Lord and let HIm be my refuge, strength, wisdom, direction, comfort…and my all. In that way I chose life rather than death. And if God doesn’t raise Chris up (but He will because He already promised!)…I still chose to praise HIm and serve Him…I am the captain of only one vessel – mine – and my choices either take me right into the pit of despair – or into the heart of God…I choose the latter!!

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