So it looks like we are going to get to move. Exciting? Yes! and No! At first I was real excited because of all the benefits of moving. We really need the two bedrooms and washer and dryer hookups! Those are gonna be great! And the sidewalks will help make mobility easier for us. The patio is calling for me to get a cup of coffee and come on out to relax even now! Those are all great…then I bottomed out again. Yeah, doesn’t seem to take much.
For one thing this is the first time I’ve got to be somewhat settled in about 5 years; and now it’s going to be disrupted once again. It’s a good disruption I guess. I am pretty happy here too. I even have finally met some of my neighbors and have actual conversations occasionally. And now I gotta move? I actually love living here – I know it’s kinda ghetto – but I am comfortable with it. And I feel badly for leaving them here when I have so much to share about Him with them…
I wonder and second guess myself to death if I am not careful. I think things like am I just trying to better myself? What’s the point of that? I am really content with a roof, clothing and food…or at least know I want to be content with the basics. I don’t really need better. But then I am reading in Genesis how God made pretty much everyone he had a covenant with wealthy. What’s up with that? I don’t need that – but I would love to be able to support valid ministries and send people on mission trips and such…
And I really do want to get out of the system. My first goal is to be off section 8 by next year when the lease is up. That’s my goal! Then I want to buy a house. Just a modest one with a small yard to grow some veggies!
After we get moved I have begun making arrangements to go get the rest of Chris’ things. And that’s really what bottomed me out this time. Just too final I guess. This really wasn’t the way all of it was supposed to play out. He was supposed to get better and go about life as it was…and I must realize the fact that it is just not happening that way. It has happened that way for lots of others I’ve talked to – but we don’t get that we have to keep trudging through trying to figure out how to keep faith and trust alive while seeing minimal improvements – slowly.
Am I just lying to myself? Is he really improving or am I just wanting him so bad my positive outlook is tainting reality? I can feel people’s thoughts sometimes. I guess that’s what sent me plummeting yesterday. I was talking to the man who has all of Chris’ things. He has been so gracious to allow them to just sit in his house. It’s been a blessing to not have to worry about it all. And it will be good to get all our things in one spot. Maybe seeing his drums will spark something in him.. who knows?
Anyway while talking to him and telling him that Chris is still getting better just real slow. Making small improvements everyday – the same thing I’ve been saying for over two years now…I could feel his doubt. His silence told me everything…and it catapulted me into a reality check. Sure I have God’s word on it…but I still have to stretch Chris’ drawn up hand every day and pray that he will even want to try to play drums again…obviously we don’t get the miracle. That doesn’t mean God’s not working…He just hasn’t done a one-time Wham! You’re healed sort of deal.. actually I have never seen it exactly like that – it’s always a process.
He created our bodies to heal themselves. He built healing in…and I am watching Chris’ body heal…and it’s slow as hell…and I still wonder if I am only deceiving myself about the tomorrows being better…
Now what? I cannot not believe in God. I can’t throw even one part of His word away.. it’s too ingrained in me. We don’t get to experience His miracle power…but maybe somehow He can give this doubter the strength to go one more day…to take one more step…I cannot live without God’s presence in my life. I don’t even want to try…So when I doubt – when I feel like I am failing this huge test at Chris’ expense – I must run to Him and beg Him to hold me one more time.
I have to return to “my” scripture. It’s the one I found when I was so sick and no one could figure out what was wrong. I had no hope. That’s when I found Psalm 57:1 and today I must embrace it again and make it my motto for today…trying to make one more day…
Be merciful to me O Lord
Be merciful to me for I trust in You.
And in the shadow of Your wings I will stay
until these calamities have past.
And if they don’t “pass” and this is just how life is going to play out… I will still trust. I will just have to live in the shelter of His wings…forever.