And Here We Go Again!

So it looks like we are going to get to move. Exciting? Yes! and No! At first I was real excited because of all the benefits of moving. We really need the two bedrooms and washer and dryer hookups! Those are gonna be great! And the sidewalks will help make mobility easier for us. The patio is calling for me to get a cup of coffee and come on out to relax even now! Those are all great…then I bottomed out again. Yeah, doesn’t seem to take much.

For one thing this is the first time I’ve got to be somewhat settled in about 5 years; and now it’s going to be disrupted once again. It’s a good disruption I guess. I am pretty happy here too. I even have finally met some of my neighbors and have actual conversations occasionally. And now I gotta move? I actually love living here – I know it’s kinda ghetto – but I am comfortable with it. And I feel badly for leaving them here when I have so much to share about Him with them…

I wonder and second guess myself to death if I am not careful. I think things like  am I just trying to better myself? What’s the point of that? I am really content with a roof, clothing and food…or at least know I want to be content with the basics. I don’t really need better. But then I am reading in Genesis how God made pretty much everyone he had a covenant with wealthy. What’s up with that? I don’t need that – but I would love to be able to support valid ministries and send people on mission trips and such…

And I really do want to get out of the system. My first goal is to be off section 8 by next year when the lease is up. That’s my goal! Then I want to buy a house. Just a modest one with a small yard to grow some veggies!

After we get moved I have begun making arrangements to go get the rest of Chris’ things. And that’s really what bottomed me out this time. Just too final I guess. This really wasn’t the way all of it was supposed to play out. He was supposed to get better and go about life as it was…and I must realize the fact that it is just not happening that way. It has happened that way for lots of others I’ve talked to – but we don’t get that we have to keep trudging through trying to figure out how to keep faith and trust alive while seeing minimal improvements – slowly.

Am I just lying to myself? Is he really improving or am I just wanting him so bad my positive outlook is tainting reality? I can feel people’s thoughts sometimes. I guess that’s what sent me plummeting yesterday. I was talking to the man who has all of Chris’ things. He has been so gracious to allow them to just sit in his house. It’s been a blessing to not have to worry about it all. And it will be good to get all our things in one spot. Maybe seeing his drums will spark something in him.. who knows?

Anyway while talking to him and telling him that Chris is still getting better just real slow. Making small improvements everyday – the same thing I’ve been saying for over two years now…I could feel his doubt. His silence told me everything…and it catapulted me into a reality check. Sure I have God’s word on it…but I still have to stretch Chris’ drawn up hand every day and pray that he will even want to try to play drums again…obviously we don’t get the miracle. That doesn’t mean God’s not working…He just hasn’t done a one-time Wham! You’re healed sort of deal.. actually I have never seen it exactly like that – it’s always a process.

He created our bodies to heal themselves. He built healing in…and I am watching Chris’ body heal…and it’s slow as hell…and I still wonder if I am only deceiving myself about the tomorrows being better…

Now what? I cannot not believe in God. I can’t throw even one part of His word away.. it’s too ingrained in me. We don’t get to experience His miracle power…but maybe somehow He can give this doubter the strength to go one more day…to take one more step…I cannot live without God’s presence in my life. I don’t even want to try…So when I doubt – when I feel like I am failing this huge test at Chris’ expense – I must run to Him and beg Him to hold me one more time.

I have to return to “my” scripture. It’s the one I found when I was so sick and no one could figure out what was wrong. I had no hope. That’s when I found Psalm 57:1 and today I must embrace it again and make it my motto for today…trying to make one more day…

Be merciful to me O Lord

Be merciful to me for I trust in You.

And in the shadow of Your wings I will stay

until these calamities have past.

And if they don’t “pass” and this is just how life is going to play out… I will still trust. I will just have to live in the shelter of His wings…forever.

  1. #1 by Clyta F. Harris on February 27, 2011 - 6:50 pm

    Sweet Jeanie,

    I almost did a double-take when I read this statement:

    He created our bodies to heal themselves. He built healing in…and I am watching Chris’ body heal…and it’s slow as hell…and I still wonder if I am only deceiving myself about the tomorrows being better.

    Charles has been saying this for a long time. Remember he’s actually only been a Christian for about ten months. Even before he made his decision for Christ, he was telling our friend who was recovering from cancer THESE EXACT WORDS I’ve never quite known what to think about this, but it’s interesting to see someone who’s really “tuned in” to God saying the same thing.

    Thank you for giving me something else to think about regarding this “built-in” healing process. Regardless of whether it’s instantaneous or long and drawn out, it’s still a miracle, and God is still in control. I pray daily for physical, emotional, and spiritual strength for you as you care for Chris. I also pray that He will “speed up the healing process” in Chris so that BOTH OF YOU can get on with the lives He has planned for you.

    Love you, dear,



    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on February 27, 2011 - 8:19 pm

      I’ve thought about the fact that our bodies have the built in capacity to heal. If not then even a small cut and we would bleed out. The body fights infection, provides dead cells (wherever they come from) to build a scab and then they turn into a scar. Besides all the other “miraculous” things He made our bodies to do…broken bones heal back and cool stuff like that! We are indeed an amazing creation! So intricately designed to stay alive! And I marvel at the improvements in Chris’ body and even in baby Will’s body. He is an awesome, all-wise creator who never ceases to amaze me! (I just wish He’d hurry with Chris!)…

      Thanks so much for your prayers… I cannot tell you how much they are appreciated!!

      love you,


  2. #3 by Connie on February 27, 2011 - 10:21 pm

    Wow, I read that whole blog and God never even budged while you moved all over the place. I love Him so much. And I love you for showing me that He is just the same I AM when I rock and reel like a ship on a stormy sea. So excited to see unfold what He already knows. Love ya Sis


    • #4 by Jeanie Olinger on February 27, 2011 - 11:26 pm

      Yeah it’s amazing that He never moves when I am going crazy all over the place… but every once in awhile I am sure I sense Him raise an eyebrow at some of my comments.. but that’s way better than shaking His head! lol! it’s a comfort to know that He is that Steadiness in the Storm. I guess that’s why Jesus knew He was “going to the other side” and so He slept peacefully while the boat was rocking back and forth. Then He stood up and shared His peace with the storm… I’m glad when He does that for me too…

      love ya,


  3. #5 by Jeannie on February 28, 2011 - 12:49 am

    “just have to live in the shelter of His wings…forever.”
    You have your answer!!! He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is with you ALWAYS!!! under every circumstance. Cause—He said so!!!


    • #6 by Jeanie Olinger on February 28, 2011 - 8:15 am

      Oh yeah – I know that the shelter of His wings is the only place to “hang out” for me! I could not make it without it I would literally lose my mind. I wonder how people go through tough times without knowing Him…I am so glad He doesn’t shake His head and walk away when my thoughts start running all crazy..actually David said in Psalm 139 that He already knew my thoughts before they formed!!


  4. #7 by Connie on February 28, 2011 - 5:06 pm

    Don’t know why but Jesus sleeping during the storm just took on a different perspective. Or maybe not different, maybe just deeper; or better; or more understandable or something. It just seems sorta OK. I’ve been thinking about the body’s ability to heal itself, too. That, too, just seems kinda right, like it’s also OK. You know what? I think God has it all under control after all. Your stuff and mine too.


  5. #8 by Jeanie Olinger on February 28, 2011 - 5:54 pm

    i am inclined to agree that HE has it all (and I really do mean “all”) under His control. My trouble is I want to control! lol! what a mess it becomes!


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