Chris seems to be sleeping a little better and that sure helps me a lot! Actually, tomorrow should be nice because I have actually gotten up to my alarm for the last two mornings. I’m hoping that means that tomorrow I can sleep in a little bit! That really sounds nice…
The band from Chris’ school (Norhtwestern in Natchitoches, LA) sent him a couple of signed drumheads. He got them yesterday. He really perked up and looked at them like he was really reading them! He kept looking at them for a long time. I wish I knew what he was thinking, seeing or feeling. I can’t tell that he feels anything…It is so cool that they still remember him.
Sometimes it seems like the world went on (and it should of course) and we were left sitting on the curb. I know that’s not entirely accurate in my mind, but that’s how it feels. His friends are graduating, getting jobs and getting married. I figure he comes up in a lot of conversations because he was always in lots of weddings! It is good to know in one way that he is still remembered.
One of the people who signed a drum head has never met Chris. But they wrote the coolest thing. They said something like you know a lot about a person by the legacy he left behind – so he must be one really awesome dude! Yea, it made my eyes tear up!
And then the questions start. Why? He had so much potential for God, in music, he was literally changing his world. Even though we didn’t really know the full impact of all he was doing. And now he just sits there…no words from what many called a philosopher.
I really miss who he was. I wonder who he will be when we are through all this. Will he play the drums again? Will he have his voice and his abilities to write music? Will he still argue? I miss him so much…
These times when I am overwhelmed I am not sure what to do. I must trust that God knows what He is doing…what exactly, I have no idea. I will continue to push Chris for all it’s worth. He seems to be responding and I will keep going and doing as much (or as little) as I know. I hope I am on the right track..but it sure would be nice to have someone to show me what to do with him…but I have lost faith in many in the system. So many just “have a job” and want to “get a check” that the people like Chris get shuffled to the side. And then of course there are so many regulations that they really cannot come “off the clock” to help. It’s crazy isn’t it? Chris’ life is basically taken away by someone who had no insurance and then because of insurance the people who have what could help can’t! What a care -free system we’ve created…in the name of protection.
So I return again to Psalm 121 – my help comes from the Lord…I have to trust that He can show me the things to do with Chris. What I’ve started this week seems to be helping. He is moving more and awake more. I must trust that He is giving me the ideas on how to stimulate Chris and help my son. (even though that is frustrating – He can give me ideas – but He can’t heal him?)
Trust – Rest those are my words for the day. I must trust Him and rest in this day that he has given us. I will do all I can to protect my heart from running away. I must trust just like Job who said Though God slay me – yet will I trust HIm. – and in the back of my mind of course, I hope He doesn’t slay me! lol! He alone is my strength and even though I grow weary – I will wait on Him and then my strength will be renewed… that’s a promise!