Life Goes On

Chris seems to be sleeping a little better and that sure helps me a lot! Actually, tomorrow should be nice because I have actually gotten up to my alarm for the last two mornings. I’m hoping that means that tomorrow I can sleep in a little bit! That really sounds nice…

The band from Chris’ school (Norhtwestern in Natchitoches, LA) sent him a couple of signed drumheads. He got them yesterday. He really perked up and looked at them like he was really reading them! He kept looking at them for a long time. I wish I knew what he was thinking, seeing or feeling. I can’t tell that he feels anything…It is so cool that they still remember him.

Sometimes it seems like the world went on (and it should of course) and we were left sitting on the curb. I know that’s not entirely accurate in my mind, but that’s how it feels. His friends are graduating, getting jobs and getting married. I figure he comes up in a lot of conversations because he was always in lots of weddings! It is good to know in one way that he is still remembered.

One of the people who signed a drum head has never met Chris. But they wrote the coolest thing. They said something like you know a lot about a person by the legacy he left behind – so he must be one really awesome dude! Yea, it made my eyes tear up!

And then the questions start. Why? He had so much potential for God, in music, he was literally changing his world. Even though we didn’t really know the full impact of all he was doing. And now he just sits there…no words from what many called a philosopher.

I really miss who he was. I wonder who he will be when we are through all this. Will he play the drums again? Will he have his voice and his abilities to write music? Will he still argue? I miss him so much…

These times when I am overwhelmed I am not sure what to do. I must trust that God knows what He is doing…what exactly, I have no idea. I will continue to push Chris for all it’s worth. He seems to be responding and I will keep going and doing as much (or as little) as I know. I hope I am on the right track..but it sure would be nice to have someone to show me what to do with him…but I have lost faith in many in the system. So many just “have a job” and want to “get a check” that the people like Chris get shuffled to the side. And then of course there are so many regulations that they really cannot come “off the clock” to help. It’s crazy isn’t it? Chris’ life is basically taken away by someone who had no insurance and then because of insurance the people who have what could help can’t! What a care -free system we’ve created…in the name of protection.

So I return again to Psalm 121 – my help comes from the Lord…I have to trust that He can show me the things to do with Chris. What I’ve started this week seems to be helping. He is moving more and awake more. I must trust that He is giving me the ideas on how to stimulate Chris and help my son. (even though that is frustrating – He can give me ideas – but He can’t heal him?)

Trust – Rest  those are my words for the day. I must trust Him and rest in this day that he has given us. I will do all I can to protect my heart from running away. I must trust just like Job who said Though God slay me – yet will I trust HIm. – and in the back of my mind of course, I hope He doesn’t slay me! lol! He alone is my strength and even though I grow weary – I will wait on Him and then my strength will be renewed… that’s a promise!

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  1. #1 by Michele on February 25, 2011 - 9:45 pm

    Dear Jeannie, Thanks for getting back to me and telling me about your website! I have really enjoyed reading it and your Christian values are so beautiful. I remember when Job’s wife told him to denouce God and give up and die, and he refused. I think for some of us Jeannie, our reward is in heaven. I wrote about my husband, Trevor. He was injured Mar 20, 2010 and he had his peg tube removed today! While I am excited, I am also nervous as he still has problems with drinking liquids. His speech counselor told me that carbonated beverages don’t have to have thickner last week, and he has downed a 12 pack of Coke that week! I have a few things I wanted so say about your post. Trevor also sleeps a lot. He never seems extremly happy or sad, though there are times he is in a bad mood or just irritable with me. When I moved back in with him after the accident, so he wouldn’t go to a nursing home, he had moved in with his mother a couple of years ago after she had started having heart problems. So, when I get up in the morning, no matter what time, she has always been up an hour before me and just starts talking a mile a minute about what is on the schedule for the day! (Sorry, I’m venting). I just wish I had time to pray and go through my mind what is going on, etc. I also wonder why God allowed this to happen, and I wonder about that. Trevor use to work on stain glass and do wood work and has always worked as in construction and just got back in a great relationship with God again. He wonders why this happened to himself, and has had aspiration pnemonia a couple of times. I just get so tired and I had a spinal procedure this year. How wonderful you are studying to be a physical therapist yourself! I really admire that in you. You sond like a wonderful person and I appreciate your letter. Please stay in touch. God Bless You, Michele

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    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on February 25, 2011 - 10:33 pm

      Hi Michelle! I’m glad you found the blog and thank you so much for sharing part of your journey with us. I have spent a lot of time like you – wondering about the “whys”. Chris had also begun to truly search for a closer walk with God. He was a musician – he could play about anything and wrote a lot of music for drumlines and for other bands and such. You can’t help but wonder – and usually there just isn’t a good enough answer anyway…but we just have to trust God with everything no matter what. Some days that seems easier than others.

      I do have the luxury of that quiet time – at least most mornings. It helps me order my day. But perhaps since you have someone who likes to talk lots early in the morning you could do your quiet time at night. Or at some point throughout the day. There’s no hard rule on when it has to be done! Staying in the Word helps me keep my mind about me. Isaiah 26:3 says that HE will keep us in perfect peace when we keep our minds on Him…(not that it is always an easy task in these types of situations!)…

      Thanks for looking us up… and thanks for sharing…and thanks for reading…
      If I can do anything for you (even just lend an ear) please let me know!
      Jeanie

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