I have come to some conclusions! I know that no one is going to ride in on a white horse and save the day! And now that that is settled I have to make some decisions! Actually, I figured that out early on way back when the journey began. I returned to a Psalm this morning that I “found” when Chris was still in ICU and I was living in the waiting area.
I kept thinking I would wake up and find that it was all just a very bad – very realistic – dream. But of course that never happened. One time when I was back in the ICU room with Chris I realized that the nursing staff and doctors were not really where our “help” would come from. They were all doing very good jobs but they were not the “help” we needed – only God could be our help. He was in charge of Chris’ recovery – not the hospital staff.
That’s when I began to meditate on Psalm 121. I even put some music to it back then and recorded it on my facebook page. I decided way back then to keep my eyes on Him for my help and strength. He is my keeper and He does not sleep on the job! He will protect our souls (not our bodies – that’s our job) from evil.
And so with that being said I will continue to look to Him for my source of strength. period. I really wouldn’t know where else to find it anyway!
And in my searching – from the midst of this depression I’ve been battling I have made a couple of decisions. Basically, no one is going to take care of me. No one ever calls and asks if I need a day out – or a few minutes here and there. Today I plan on taking Chris over to the coffee shop. It will be quite a walk but the weather should be nice and it will be nice for us to get out of the house.
Next weekend I am supposed to get out and go to Arkansas to do a radio show with a friend. That – I am really looking forward to. And then I have a 10K set for the first weekend in March. But I think I will plan on taking that whole day provided I can find sitters for Chris. And then – I am going to start trying to do something one Saturday a month at least. I love to hike and since the weather is getting nicer I will try to start hiking once a month.
I guess the difficult part is that I do not do well asking for help. Actually, I just almost won’t do it. But I am going to have to figure out a way to suck it up and get it done. I cannot go on living like I am in prison! I’m not – it’s a choice but I have to find a way to do at least a few things here and there…
The Lord is my help period. But part of His help is also giving wisdom when needed. I pray that He will fill me with His wisdom to know how to take care of myself as well as take care of Chris. If I do not take care of me – no one else will- and I will not be able to take care of Chris effectively! So here’s to the journey!