I finally got a good run in this morning! I am not sure how it made me feel better but it did. I was nursing an injury and worried about training for the half marathon but I think the worse is behind me and I am back on track now. I over shot this morning a little bit and got a 5 miler in!
To be totally honest, I have really been depressed the last few days. I think that the lack of running and the weather were at least a factor. But just this whole thing was getting me down. I really miss Chris…Imiss who he was. And even though I grieve for the loss it’s complicated by the fact that he’s still here – but not whole. There just aren’t words for this type of no-way-to-bring-closure grief…
On top of that I really miss living. I miss being spontaneous. What I wouldn’t give for a day to be able to wake up and then just decide to hit the trails one more time…or run to catch a movie at the theatre. I guess there are some things you just can’t put back. My thoughts have wondered through a lot of my memories the last few days… teaching, leading worship, college, ministering in the prisons…and the list goes on. I miss life.
But at least getting to run again this morning helped shake off a little of the depression. That coupled with a new client to write for – at least kept me busy!
But to be honest, I just want to quit. IT seems like God has not heard me since this is all okay with Him. He didn’t mind striking down my son – and for what purpose? Can I just ignore the fact that He allowed this to happen? I have a friend who says nothing happens unless it passes across His desk first…can I be blunt and say I am very angry with that?
On one hand I know being angry with God can’t be too profitable, but He is big enough to handle it. And He already knows it anyway – and will even know if I try to hide or disgiuse it as something else! I keep thinking of a couple of scriptures. One is in Psalm 13 – How long O Lord will you look the other way.. and one is in Proverbs somewhere – hoep deferred makes the heart sick. And that’s where I am… and not really sure how to dig out of it from here.
And so I wait. I feel I have no faith, no patience, no nothin’…no drive to go on…I have crossed into I really don’t care mode and I don’t know how to get out. I am simply functioning…and don’t know where God is. Oh yeah, I know all the right answers – God never moves, He is faithful, He does not change… and none of that helps from here. He feels very far away. I don’t even know if I want Him to “find” me anymore…I don’t understand.
Paul says if we have hope in this life only what good is that. But I say if all we work for is eternity what good are we here? Eternity – my eternal home is secured – it’s all taken care of. But what about the darkness i must walk through today? Where is that peace? Where is that comfort? IT will only be secure when Chris is better. And honestly, the further we get out – the further away the recovery is possible. And I know that answer too – With God nothing is impossible. And knowing it – frustrates me even more. I’m right abck to why. Why doesn’t God touch Chris? I know He can..I really have no doubt at all.. and that’s what hurts so badly; not understanding why He chose to do it this way-to take away both of our lives- yet we still breathe.
I have to go back to some of the most basic thoughts to just proceed through the day.
That’s it. Just about the time I think I know HIm – I lose it all once again. So for today all I can do is hold on to the truth that God is out there…He sent Christ to secure our eternal home – to give us life. And so we must start all over again…