Believing is Hard Work…

My emotions have been simply crazy and all over the place lately. I think I am finally crawling out of a depression I’ve been in. I haven’t been “out” since last Monday and probably won’t get to get out until Monday – if then. I love my apartment but it does get to me after awhile…and how Chris does seems to have a huge impact on my day. Sometimes I can “take advantage” of his sleepier days and get a lot done. Other days it depresses me and I fight fear and doubt.

Then there are days like today when he is more awake and alert. He is doing and moving more and also making some decisions on his own. I have to try to keep my mind on how far he has come and not on how far he has to go. I’m very glad to see him making some decisions – like not eating, sitting on his own, moving his legs to where he is comfortable. But I want him to think, to love, hate and just live. Can’t he just like something? I wanted to get him up tomorrow night to watch the super bowl with me (I know it’s a disgrace but he’s a Pittsburgh fan!) …but I want him to enjoy it…and there just isn’t a switch to turn that on…

…to be honest I am just tired… and there seems to be no definite end in sight. Even a break doesn’t bring a complete rest since I know the journey isn’t over, not even close to it. I think it will help when he gets his three weeks of rehab this year. I will be happy if he makes as much progress as he did last time. Maybe they can help him walk and move even better…you know really he’s come a long ways since I brought him home in July. But all that he still needs to do is overwhelming to me…

Sometimes I get so tired I want to quit. Not quit working with Chris – that keeps me going. I want to stop trying to believe. It can be exhausting. I look at what I have and what I need…and it seems like too much of a gap and believing can be hard work. But what I have found is that not  believing can be even more tiring!

There are days I have to just turn it all off and try to function my way through the day. Yesterday I was doing that and finally went to the piano and began singing an old chorus from Psalm 61.

 Hear my cry O Lord, attend unto my prayer…

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto thee

and when my heart is overwhelmed

please lead me to the rock that is higher than I

that is higher than I…

I sang it over and over again…and meant it. My heart is overwhelmed and I do need to hide in the rock! But then I went on to the next portion of the pslam/song:

For thou hast been

a refuge from the storm…

A high tower, Lord from the enemy…

and when my heart is overwhelmed

just lead me to the rock that is higher than I…

that is higher than I…

And He is indeed my refuge. I have run to Him in sickness, injury, through my own wrecks and head injuries, in financial trouble, through a divorce and many other times… I just keep running to Him. Why? I don’t know anywhere else to run!  I can find no other shelter but Him – and honestly – I’m not even looking for a different place to hide! Psalm 57:1 (the last part of the verse) says I will stay in the shelter of your wings until these calamities are past. There’s nowhere else I’d rather hide!

He is my rock, my shelter, my strength and my comfort. While believing can be really hard work – like now when it all feels so heavy – not  believing is much harder to do! I have never run anywhere but to Him and I am not about to start looking for any place now! It would be far too inadequate and lacking in peace! So for now – here I sit – hidden in Him once again!

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