Okay, so I admit it; I am somewhat depressed. There may be many factors. For one I haven’t been out of the house for over 3 days now. I can’t run or even take a walk. We still have several inches of snow on the ground and plenty of ice mixed in now. So there is no going outside except to take the trash out or check the mail. Plus the wind chill factors are still in the negatives. I really need to invest in a treadmill so I can keep up with my running… for today though working out with a Jillian Michaels dvd will have to do.
Last night I had a (for most people) mild breakdown. I just miss Chris. I miss his smile, and his humor, his intelligent conversations…and he just sits there. It’s like he’s dead, but not gone. There’s no closure, there’s no ending – just day to day drudgery.
I realize there’s nothing I can do to make him better. ACtually the finest doctors in the world can do nothing to make him get better any faster. It’s all the big waiting game. I have to try to encourage myself with how far he has come. And he has indeed come much further than many thought he ever would! And he is still progressing – and breathing…and that’s where I can grab onto a little piece of hope.
Had he died in the accident he would not be breathing and that would mean that all hope was gone. But since he is sitting (and snoozing) in the chair next to me there is still hope. But sometimes he seems so far away. And for that matter, God does too. I know He is out there…somewhere.. and I know all the scriptures about how He doesn’t leave us or forsake us. But knowing He is with me no matter what I walk through doesn’t always mend the hurt in my heart when I see my son and cannot feel God’s nearness.
Then comes the anger…He is the only one who can help Chris…yet He remains silent. And my emotions take a sudden downward turn. Is there a big enough (scriptural) shovel to dig myself out of this rut? How do I even begin the dig? I know our religious minds would tell us that we are not even supposed to admit when we are down like this.. but you know what? Until we can admit the things we feel – we cannot replace them with the truth.
So let me just talk this one out –
- I feel very alone and defeated – but the truth is that He is with me and Holy Spirit is in me to guide me back into His strength today.
- I feel like a total failure – but the truth is that the pressures of life are meant to press out of me the things He deposited.
- I feel like I don’t have a stitch of faith left – but the truth is that He gave us all a measure of faith… and didn’t give any clue that it could be depleted.
- I feel like there is no end to this journey – but the truth is that He has already set an expected end…
- I feel like my life was lost November 8, 2008 with one phone call it was all swept away – but the truth is that as I yield to the dying the situation brings I will find my life in Him…
I better print that out and make it my confession and meditation today – as I learn to live in Him once again…