Today has been rather strange for me. For one I went back to bed until almost 10 o’clock after I fed Chris at 6:30. That is highly unusual but it sure was nice, we just slept! Maybe that has been what helped me today – sleep is not something I get a lot of for sure!
One thing that I have felt has been very detrimental for me is the things I just don’t know. I don’t know a lot about brain injuries. (I am still learning a lot through research and study though!) I don’ t know what types of things to do or not do with all the different types of therapies. I just keep trying things and try to find what works every day. A lot of times I have to find what is the least stressful for both of us. For instance, it’s just not worth it if it’s a huge fight and we both get all frustrated because I’m trying to get Chris to eat. But I feel so defeated if I just stop and have to bolus him.
This morning though I decided to do it different. For one thing, our schedule was way off anyway! I went ahead and bolused him even though I was beating myself for not trying to feed him by mouth. But then I realized he’s not eating a substantial amount right now. He eats well but gets tired somewhere between a half a cup and three fourths of a cup of food. So I made another decision. I think I will bolus him and keep him on that schedule and just offer simple stuff in between. Yeah, well he ate almost a whole container of applesauce! So today is a “win!” day!
Then I was so disappointed to find out that the NFL playoffs don’t come on until later. So I looked for something interesting on tv. I found the Learning Channel. They are running some show about the ER. At first I thought it would be too much for me emotionally. But I was interested in a wreck victim with a head injury. I learned quite a lot.
For one thing I realized I am beginning to heal. And of course I am so very thankful for Chris’ progress! But I learned so much…I had lots of memories of the trauma unit days, much thankfulness for all those who worked on Chris and with us during that time. But also some anger for those who dropped the ball because they didn’t think he was really going to make it this far.
But it was where I was emotionally that surprised me. I realized the healing that has been taking place inside of me. Life is going on and it’s okay; I’m okay. Even during this season the Lord has begun to show me so many things as I have had time to reflect over my life. He is showing me things in areas that I have never thought of. As I am beginning to get the guts to share – chains are falling off and healing is contiuning. My prayer is that while on this journey of my own personal healing I can encourage and help others who are in the process of healing as well.
So today I am unusually excited about the future and all He has in store. No matter what He will heal, He will direct, and He will instruct!