Just so ya know – when I don’t write for a few days it usually means I am running on overload. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few days. But I think I have put all the funk behind me now! And so I share…
Sometimes I can feel so isolated and alone. If I am not careful I can get absorbed into the circumstance. Then it is difficult to get out – like swimming up stream…with sharks all around…and a backpack strapped to your bag…filled with heavy bricks and cans… anyway – you get the idea! Lol! Seriously it is a struggle to try to get back to peace and quiet. Maybe I should have expected a week like this. AFter all I took a big plunge last week. Scriptures say that after being enlightened, you endured a great conflict of sufferings.( Hebrews 10:32b) Even though the author here is speaking of the conflicts that come after turning to the Lord, I have seen over the years that the pattern is so. Right after a big accomplishment, a victory or a break through and you are on cloud nine rejoicing over it – all hell breaks loose around you. One of the enemy’s intentions is to distract you; another is to try to steal the good word. – He’s a thief remember?
I had just made some decisions. If I am not attentive I can work all day long on the computer. That’s in between taking care of Chris. I did add our morning praise service to the mix. While it’s been very enjoyable and rewarding it also put some stress on me. I feel like I need to work more – work harder – to make money on line. I have lots of sites now but they require time. If I do not protect myself I will get swept under by this self-applied pressure!
The other break through (I’ll call it that) is that I set aside a time…a quiet time. Nothing was on – no computer, tv, stereo – it was quiet. I started at 8 Saturday night and went to noon on Sunday. I began with communion and prayer. Then for the next 16 hours we were quiet here. I struggled at first because I am so used to working on something all the time. But in the end I found it very rewarding on many sides; physically, mentally and spiritually. I had a new go-getter attitude….then the week hit.
I’m not sure what the progression was but it wasn’t good! Everything became a struggle. I know none of you have ever had times like this it was a unique situation! lol! One thing piled on top of another and then one more on top of that until there I was under once again.
But it seems to be gone now. I have renewed my determination to not be under. I really have prayed throughout this ordeal that I would be like some who were in prison. You know they were in prison for thier beliefs but wrote books for all of us while they were there because they grew so intimate with Holy Spirit it had to leak out and paper was all that was available…Madam Guyon and WAthcman Nee come to mind. My desire was to come through this with the same kind of character – proven by the trial, the crushing yielding a sweet fragance that is evident to all.
I still hope to stay in the place of intimacy with Him. In many ways it has been deeper than I have ever known. And then sometimes it seems very far away. But I imagine that they had their days too. They were held away from family and friends and at times had to feel very secluded and isolated. (and they didn’t even have facebook!) Then we must look at Jesus – our example – how He longed for seclusion! He stayed up all night in prayer communing with FAther because that’s the only time the crowds were not pressing in on HIm!
So here I am on this quest for intimacy once again. I will find it – I will find Him! And I will be changed by His presence. And who knows – maybe some of it will leak out onto paper too.