Here I sit waiting to face another day. I keep thinking it gets easier but it doesn’t seem to be. Actually, with Chris’ improvements I find myself having to adjust and readjust. My heart does well and I have cried quite a lot (for me) over the last couple of days – all at his improvements. But then everything has to be adjusted…the way I transfer him, when I get him up and/or let him sleep. Even learning how to push him again. It’s like having to start over ever day…never knowing what will be there.
So basically, my emotions are across the board. I get really excited when he does something like stick out his tongue! Then when he has long periods of sleepiness I have difficulty fighting off depression. I can go back and forth between these two several times a day. And if I am not careful I find myself in this sort of funk that renders me almost incapable of functioning. I think this sort of numb state is the most difficult to work through and shake off.
My morning praise services seem to be helping a lot. Also listening to praise music helps too. Sometimes it just keeps my mind from switching back and forth. But then there are those times like this morning when I am in my praise time – singing about how worthy He is – How powerful He is – while I am standing across from my disabled son. Sometimes questions overwhelm me again. Why didn’t He heal Chris? When have we seen His power? I am singing about how mighty He is…without seeing it at all in the situation.
Now I say all that without negating the very deep truth I know that He is carrying me. Today is one of those days when He must carry me as I really don’t have the strength to walk myself. You cannot convince me that He is not with me, I can feel Him undergirding me with His strength – especially when mine is gone.
I have to rely on His strength and wisdom as there are so many things that really need to be done. We really need to get a bigger place so that I can get all of Chris’ stuff gathered up from Louisiaina. But to do that I have to move into another county so that he can get physical therapy. But it also means I have to give up section 8 help with housing. The other choice is to change home health providers which I do not want to do as I really like our aid. She is great with Chris and that is beneficial for both of us. I don’t know who I might get if I change – but would that be worth it to get him the physical therapy especially now that he is moving much more on his own….and that’s where I start my shut down mode..it’s too much to try to figure out and there is not a “right” answer. I’m so in need of His mind (which we have) and His wisdom (which is ours for the asking). And I am right back to trust!
I must trust that He will give me His wisdom for all I have to deal with today. I trust that He will provide whatever is needed for each step we need to take. I even pray when I am working with Chris- for ideas on how to exercise him properly – enough but not too much. I guess I have to trust Him to teach me some therapy procedures! lol!
I a learning to live in this state of trust no matter what presents itself in a day. It can be so many different things – Chris not responding well, finances, loneliness, or just being tired. No matter what comes up I keep the practice that I’ve held for years – I just run to Him! No matter what the day holds I know that He will hold me…and He won’t let me go!
So today – instead of being too overwhelmed with all the decisions and the stuff – I will let Him carry my cares. And you know- that’s an easy one to say but not quite as easy to accomplish. Scriptures says to cast your cares on Him…isn’t that an intereting way to put it? It’s not a laying it down hoping He’ll pick it up for you. It’s not a passive pushing over from your lap to His – casting implies that I am standing up and throwing it to Him – I cannot keep in contact with it when I throw it. If I scoot it, pass it, or shove it I can stay in physical contact with it. But if I throw it to Him and He catches it – I am in no contact with it and now He has it and can carry it for me!
I am just guessing, but I figure we all have some tossing to do today!