I think one of the most difficult things to deal with right now is the swing of emotions. One minute I am excited as I note Chris’ progress – or at least perceived progress, and then he goes into what I call his “brain sleep” and the emotions bottom out. It can be crazy in just a matter of hours and sometimes minutes. I am thinking the deep sleep he goes into is good. It just seems to be more frequent lately. I think some of what troubles me is just all the not knowing. I do not know how to treat a brain injury. While I have learned a lot, there is still so much I obviously do not know. I know nothing about physical therapy – when to push when to let him rest and so on. Each day all I can do is the best I can figure out with whatever I am handed.
Even though I pretty much live in the cave I have life emotions to work through as well. Even dealing with my own aging body can add to the frustrations of a day! lol! There are many times I have to just sit down to settle down. When we are in stressful times or situations even little things can tend to weigh more. I’m finding I have more grace when I deal with others who are going through…
I don’t like it that I get so frustrated at little things, like trying to open a pill bottle! Sometimes I must stop and settle down. I am learning that keeping praise going on inside me really helps. The morning praise times we are having seem to be helping me be able to find that peace a lot faster. Coupling that with my meditations on the Word is just invaluable to me right now.
Then there are the times in the night like last night. Usually there are positives and negatives for about everything. For instance, yeah there is no tone – good right! But that means transferring Chris is a much more physical job for me! So last night in the night he woke me up around one something. He was being very vocal – just kept making some sort of vocalizations. That’s the good thing – it was one of the most vocal I’ve heard him in a long time! He just kept humming. That’s the good. The bad was I couldn’t figure out why he was uncomfortable. I changed him, moved him, repositioned him and talked to him. I just couldn’t figure out what the trouble was. Those times are so sad for me – and it didn’t help that it was a middle-of-the-night experience either! Those are the times when I question if God still sees…if He still hears…where He is…why He doesn’t answer…
And I know all the right answers to the questions but it doesn’t make it feel any better at one in the morning during the struggle!
Somehow it helps to know that others have struggled with some of the same emotions and frustrations. David pretty well put it all into words for me in Psalm 13:
How long O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shal I take counsel in my soul
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
I couldn’t have found any better words for those moments myself! (thanks Psalmist-King!) David goes on in verse 5 to say that he has trusted and will continue to trust and rejoice in God’s salvation. He says he will sing to the Lord! This was so cool to me because praise can be such a weapon against discouragement or battle fatigue! As a psalmist I know this! I just needed the reminder!
So if you are weary from life’s battles, tired of the circumstance it’s time to lift it up! Putting on those garments of praise will indeed lift the spirit of heaviness from your shoulders. The neat thing that has happened to me as I pressed on into personal praise times is that the songs are coming once again. They had been silent for a long time – but it’s all fresh again even in the midst of the furnace!
So the remedy for battle fatigue? Praise – try putting it on today! Spend some time in intimacy with Him – that’s the heart of worship…trust me He understands…