Trying to Find Me…

I don’t think I have a better word for what I feel right now other than despair. I feel like I am trying to simply collect myself to move forward. I really can’t explain all the emotions I feel. But then Chris has had a sleepy day or two and that always sets me back too! All I can hope is that in the sleeping there’s healing.

I was already struggling yesterday, just emotionally trying to keep my head above water so to speak. Then coming back from tutoring a student I had the rare opportunity to catch the sunset. It was splendid! The colors leaked across the sky spreading its beauty accross the clouds. The colors were captivating! And then I was trying to figure out how long it had been seen I’d seen a sunset –maybe only a month…

I guess that just drove me deeper into this despair as I feel like a prisoner. Then I got an email about a race this Saturday and just that I can’t say, “I think I’ll do that one.” hits me like a ton of bricks. I really don’t have the freedom to go and come as I want…and that’s who I used to be…

I guess I’m not totally alone as Paul said that they were burdended excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life itself…That closely says what I feel. I don’t know how to shake it from here… The sons of Korah had some similar feelings they shared in Psalm 42. They said why are you in despair my soul… they turned it around to hoping in God – and I will do the same somehow – but they felt it nonetheless. They said they were mourning under the oppression of the enemy… can I say I relate?

These were real people too and they felt real despair and a whole gamet of emotions…And even though I feel I am sinking in this swirling pool I know I will figure out how to get back around to His strength. It will have to be His as I really can’t find it in me. I have so many thousands of questions that I dare not ask publically…

I guess one way I feel “caught” the most is trying to figure out the hows of moving on. On one hand I so hold to His promises; while on the other I want to try to just scrape us up and do the best with what we’ve got. Maybe trying to press on to the bigger place and even thinking about a different vehicle from here has overwhelmed my emotions. I don’t want adaptations – I want Chris! But all my wants (and prayers) don’t make him any better.

Nothing I can do can make his brain fix itself. I can’t make him wake up or sleep! I can’t make him walk or talk or even care again…and God seems silent and far away. Psalm 42 speaks of deep calling to deep  – but immediately after it says –All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me…The psalmist felt the overwhelming pressures of life driving them deep into despair…

But then they recoop by saying  The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and his song will be with me in the night… I must trust that today He will command His lovingkindness toward my family. According to Jeremiah (Lamentations 3:22-23) His compassions and lovingkindness are never depleated but they are new every morning!

So today I will make it a point to listen for His song…to expectantly wait for Him to wrap me in His lovingkindness and mercy. And I will wait for His strength – as that is what will be carrying me through!

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