Archive for December, 2010
Several years ago I wrote a song that says:
I can’t take one step without You
I can’t take one breath without You
and I can’t live a single day unless I know
My heart is resting in Your hands.
Well, today is one of those days that I must simply trust my heart is resting in His hands. Actually, I trust my heart is resting in His heart! It’s not always easy to trust God through the short stuff, but when it goes on for over two years it seems very difficult sometimes to just pick up a foot and take that next step to make it through the day. That’s where I am today.
I know what God has promised but I sure feel my grip being loosened by the day to day. Even though Chris still seems to be making small improvements I have to wonder if this is what the rest of my “life” looks like. I look at my son who has become a stranger. I look at the pictures I have up in the room and miss him so very much…and even though he is right here with me, he is so very far away…and my heart cries once again.
I know what God has said, but even though my heart holds on to that promise, I must deal with today. And today my son does nothing for himself. Today he will need to be fed and changed and cared for completely. He will not tell me he loves me today…
…and so we wait and try somehow to hold on to what God has said and just put one step in front of another.
Today I am really struggling to keep my head above water. No, I didn’t fall into the swimming pool! lol! – Just trying to press forward and make some sense of things somehow. I have a couple of new projects that need to be done this week so I am trying to get on in and get them done. But it certainly feels like I am swimming upstream right now, and I don’t really know why.
Maybe it’s because my son still doesn’t speak..
Maybe it’s because his right hand is completely drawn up…
Maybe it’s because he was in pain last night and kept me awake until the meds kicked in…
Maybe it’s because it’s just simply taking so long!!
I haven’t given up, but it is certainly difficult to hold on when you go day after day with such little progress. He is still progressing, but it is so slow and so minimal. They have said with the brain injury it just does that – goes slow. I guess I’ve still been holding out for the big miracle. You know, he calls out to me in the night, or he opens his right hand, or he just looks at me like he’s really there. It would be nice if he just liked anything….really. But he just exists….doesn’t seem like much of a way to live right now. He just does what I say (when he wants) and sighs when I finally leave him alone so he can rest. It doesn’t seem that he loves, cares, or simply finds enjoyment in anything…and that makes the days long even with the improvements.
I know God promised that Chris would be restored…the messenger sent to my daddy said he would “have a long good life.” It seems God is more patient than me! I know that’s amazing isn’t it? lol!With all my heart I want to trust Him…it’s just taking so long! I know His word is not bound by time, but what point is it if it’s only for the “after life”? None of us will need a healer then…we need Him to manifest healing here in time. I suppose time is my worst enemy.
When I was speaking at the conference in Indianapolis last week I said something that I must use to encourage myself today. I said basically, “The in between really doesn’t matter, it’s the end that we hold on to.” I know the end is Chris will be up and around – restored. But it is the in between that hurts so badly! It’s the in between where we need the touch of the Lord and His grace to carry us through.
I need His grace to carry my through
From the beginning to the end
and all the in between…
Life is raging, don’t know what to do
Needing Him to be with me like a best friend
I need His grace to hold on to what is not yet seen…
Sometimes I do really feel like it’s all a juggling act. My primary duty (in the natural) right now is to take care of Chris. That is what a day entails. And although he requires 24/7 care it doesn’t mean I have to be stretching or working him every minute. I realize that but there are days that I feel I fall too far short of what he really needs. But then of course that is complicated by my lack of knowing all he really needs!
I do a lot of different things with him every day. The things that are normally part of the day are actually stimuli themselves. Everything is work for him: sitting, standing, transferring, and even eating. Then aside from that he needs more work to regain mobility. My trouble is knowing all that he needs without doing too much. But I really fear I do too little…some because I just really don’t know what he needs.
But then aside from all that I have to do writing on line and all the other things I need to do. The penny to click sites are pretty easy to work in here and there and it keeps a trickle of income moving! Then there’s all the writing. I guess I am at least decent at it as I keep getting asked to do more! That’s great! It brings in a good side income as well!
But then what I really want to do is work on projects for ministry. I have two new study guides I want to begin – they are rolling around inside of me! Then there’s all the work of trying to get the projects that are completed into ebook form and other forms that make them movable products. (By that I mean giving them away and getting them into the hands of others!) There are several projects I have going and I feel bad that I do not complete them in a more timely fashion.
So that’s what I mean by it’s a big juggling act. No matter what gets the most attention I feel the other areas suffer…. what to do?
My mom says, You are only one person- you can only do so much! I have to agree with these words of wisdom. So I must take myself back and remember that I can only do as much as I can do in a day!
I Peter 5:7 is a good reminder here. The NASB states: Casting all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you! I think I can do that! Psalm 55:22 NASB says: cast your burden (margine: what He has given you) upon the Lord and He will sustain you. Then Psalm 139:23 asks God to : Search me O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts…
And there ya go! I am back to rest once again…Giving Him everything really releases the burden of the day. I will do my best to get as much done as I can. I believe there is a reward for diligence! Proverbs says there is profit in all labor! So I will work all I can and care for my son to the best of my ability…and let Him take care of the rest!
I really cannot explain all this. First, Chris had the best day he’s ever had one day this week I lose track as I had the virus that was passed around by all those who took care of Chris last weekend! I think I am through it now! Anyway, it’s interesting how I have changed over the last couple of years I think. Usually when I get sick I turn the tv on and pine away until it’s run its course! But not this time. For one, I still had to care for Chris so I couldn’t just “turn off” or take the time off really.
But I actually turned off the natural while it was feeling so rough and just slept and prayed. I have quite a few people that I am praying for each day right now. (see previous post -shifting outward) So I took advantage of the “down time” spent more time in in-depth prayer for them. I also spent time looking for His direction.
I guess what I hate most about being sick, other than just being sick, is that it throws my schedule off. I am a very structured person as a general rule and I do things a certain way most of the time. But this week I didn’t do the newsletter or the broadcast. I don’t like that as I feel so inconsistent! But I hope to get myself together and back up and going by next week.
A schedule is something that’s been difficult. Chris’ needs can be different every day. I try to order my time so that I can get all my penny sites in and write some articles every day. But then I still have the study guides and other projects I am working on. If I devote a lot of time to them I feel bad like I am not caring for Chris properly. But then I feel unproductive if I don’t get something done each day!
Anyway, this week while being under the weather I have found something. It seems as the fire of the furnace (trials) continues to burn away at my life I am finding my desire for Him deepening. It’s not even that I “need” Him although I do…it’s simply that I want to know Him more. I’m not looking for an “escape” from the fire at all, I just want to know HIm in the fellowship of His sufferings and the power of His resurrection… I want to be found “IN HIM” above all.
Now many of the old faith-ers may say that I lack faith because the trial has been so long. I have to say that my faith has ever increased as my life has been allowed to burn away in this furnace. I see more clearly and I long for Him with a new level of unquenchable thirst…
It’s funny in a way but as the fire burns away at what I called “life” I find I need “life” less as mine become more hidden in HIm….
It’s odd how we can have such a full range of emotions all at one time. I am very excited about the improvements I’ve seen and others are beginning to see as well. Not only the doctor’s statement last week but home health even upgraded Chris’ status this week. He’s no longer in the highest risk category.
Even with all the improvements there is so much to do. I can sometimes feel very overwhelmed and feel the urge to try to make it go faster. This of course doesn’t work! 🙂 You cannot speed up the healing of a brain injury! Boy I sure wish I knew how though!
It does seem somehow that he is going faster right now. He is still sleepy a lot of the time but that’s not uncharacteristic of an injury such as the one he has. Yet each day it seems he is moving more and more on his own. I want to do the best for him and really have no idea what to do. I wasted my money on the PT aide class. I learned a little bit not anything too much to help right now. That’s a frustrating thing!
Little things weigh so much more when you are already under a load. Last night I was trying to get Chris from the wheel chair to the bed for the night. I always try to keep a phone handy just in case we do get in any sort of a bind. I’ve only had to call out for help one time so far! But you never know! I had the home phone in my pocket and had just stood Chris up. While I am standing there holding him getting ready to turn him so he can sit on the edge of the bed the phone rang. Some man asks if he can speak to the male head of the household. I started to ask him to repeat it as it didn’t make sense to me! Then I said, “The what?” Then I said, “there isn’t a male head of household!” And hung up on him! I’m not sure why it bothered me so much!
I guess I get frustrated because we try to put life in a box like it’s the same for everyone. you know? Everyone owns a car and a house and lives with 2.5 kids and a spouse! NOT! Everyone has a job that they go to through the week and then get to play on the weekend. Everyone can go purchase fancy clothes and the foods of their choice and follow every little whim. NOT! It’s actually a good thing that we are not all alike for many reasons.
For one, this world would be a boring place if we all were exactly the same! And it would give us no opportunity to speak into each other’s lives. We wouldn’t even be able to minister to one another or take up the gap in someone else’s life. No matter how secluded we may feel we are never too far away from someone who needs an encouraging word or a friend. Our focus just has to shift outward rather than inward.
For today I will keep my focus on what I can do for others. Sometimes we can only pray…and we say that like it’s not that much of a big deal. But if we take a moment to think about it we are going before the Lord, the King, the Omnipotent One on behalf of another. It’s quite and honor and privilege really.
so take a moment and look around you today. Get your eyes off your own situation and pray for someone else today! It will actually do you a world of good!
I had a great trip out this weekend. I did a lot of driving which meant I had much time for prayer and meditation on His Word. I technically still worked while I was out but it was refreshing to get to be out and to get to minister once again! I know that’s His heart beat for me and I will wait for Him to show me what is next and how He is going to bring it all to pass…
While I was in Indianapolis I went to the hospital to see a friend. Her son has been in there for quite some time now. I realized that even though it was emotional for me, I had lost all those old “phobias” of the hospital! Those who really know me will laugh! But I felt right at home…even though my heart hurt for my friend. At least I do know how to pray for her better now.
I know how the helplessness wants to swallow you up while you are living in the hospital room with your child. A mother wants to nurture and make it all better, and sometimes it just doesn’t work that way for us. There’s a grieve that you experience during those times as well as all the pain that you naturally experience just watching your child suffer. My heart hurts for my friend.
Then I came home to everyone having some sort of virus. This is not a fun way to return home! But the good part for me was a great thing. I was elated that I actually have a home to return to! It’s been a long time coming. For so long I have felt so displaced and it was great to say “I’m headed home” and feel it too. I haven’t had my own place in several years and that was a wonderful feeling.
And of course other than the virus everything was pretty much like it was when I left. So I am back to walking out what I talked about in the second session at Saturday’s conference. Walking it out no matter what we see. I will continue to hold to God’s promises concerning Chris. And I will press on into the things I feel He has for me as well. That’s kind of the difficult part when you can’t see past today…but still we press!
It was a refreshing time away – now it’s back to work as usual!!
That is what the doctor said. I was very excited and she cut his meds in half! I liked that too!
But I had already made up my mind it didn’t really matter what she said. While I was running this morning (in the 27 degree weather!) I was praying about the day and Chris and tons of other things. I was really nervous it would be bad news. I almost finished a prayer that went something like: please just let it be good news.
But before I could finish that thought I had another. And so what if it is bad news? I realized that God has already made His proclamation concerning Chris so it really just does not matter what kind of news today brings!
He has already declared that Chris will be whole so no matter what happens or what is said in between, He is not taking it back. Today basically has no bearing on the end, because the end is already determined! That’s what I have to hold on to!! What has God proclaimed about you and your situation? Then today’s news don’t matter! He is in charge of the end!
I do not even know what to expect today. This is the day Chris has his appointment with the rehab doctor. She’s quitting the private practice so after today we’ll have to find another one. That’s just one more thing on the list of to-dos! Don’t even know where to start with that one, hopefully she can give me a jumping off spot.
I’m pretty apprehensive about today’s visit. On one hand I am pretty sure it will go well because he has been steadily, yet slowly, improving. That makes me hopeful that they may go ahead and set a date for him to go back to rehab. He gets 24 days a year.
Then on the other hand I am afraid they’ll dump us as others have done. She may say, “Well, that’s it” and not be open to his improvements. I really am afraid of that for some reason…probably the rocky past we’ve already walked through with so many health care facilities and personnel.
But I have to talk myself through this one. The best case is they say he’s ready for more rehab and schedule him for January! The worst case is they drop him and I’m on my own once again. I think I can deal with that. It’s not like they are doing too much right now anyway.
In the mix I am starting to move toward moving into another county. My understanding is that if I move into another county Chris can get rehab in home. It’s paid for now and fully provided in his plan. But the home health I’m with doesn’t have a contract with anyone in this county so he can’t get it! Frustrating….
I guess it all comes down to no matter what I just can’t stop believing. I am tired and really want to quit. But it is just not in me to do so. Sometimes this feels so heavy and I feel like I will break beneath the load. I fear having to live the rest of my days just like this. Surely God has another plan down the road! But if not, I will trust HIm and keep believing the promises He’s given us about Chris and even myself.