Behind and Before

I am filled with very mixed emotions as we are leaving one year behind to embrace a new one. On one hand I am troubled because I really thought that “by now” we’d be going on about our lives. I really in my wildest dreams thought that we’d be looking back and saying, “Whew! I’m glad that’s over with!” And just be reminiscing about Chris’ wonderful, miraculous recovery. And as you know, that just hasn’t happened.

However, I am so very happy at the progress he has made this year. He is swallowing very well, no worries about him choking when I am feeding him. He’s eating lots of different consistencies well too. He can eat pudding, soups and anything mechanically soft pretty much. He can also drink liquids – if you give them a little at a time!

He is standing and doing more on his own all the time! This helps me so much with transfers. He will use all his own muscles to sit and also to stand. He turns and sits when he’s ready not just when you ask him to! He’s using his left hand a lot more. And he is initiating a lot of his movements on his own now. Even though they are still limited.

But the future is somewhat ominous. Going into yet another piece of time yet afraid to say, “This is the year.” We’ve been saying that all along. “Oh he’ll surely be better by”…this date or that time…but he’s not. He is still needing 24/7 care for personal stuff. He finds no pleasure in anything as far as I can tell. And so I have to embrace another year knowing that from here it looks about like the last one.

I have made some determinations though. I want to secure a vehicle so that I can get him out more. I think it will help both of us somewhat. I know I might not feel as trapped if I know I can load him up and run to walmart! I also want to get a bigger place – specifically one with a washer and dryer hookups! That’ll help us out a lot too!

But no matter how dark the next year looks with his recovery trickling in, I know I will care for him. I have not known a love this deep, nor a pain this great. In both, I know He is holding me. Whatever the future may look like, I know He holds it and me…and Chris. I’ll go forward in all He says to do no mattr how slowly I must move to accomplish it. Eventually, He’ll move on my behalf!

And so while I sit here contemplating what most would call a “new start” …I am right back to waiting on God. And I wait right here between behing and before…waiting for Him to come get us. Waiting for Him to act on Chris’ behalf…waiting for His salvation! Perhaps it will be this year.. and if not… I will continue to wait…on Him alone. If where I am is alright with Him, it must be alright with me as well! I will trust Him and wait for HIm!

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