Today I am really struggling to keep my head above water. No, I didn’t fall into the swimming pool! lol! – Just trying to press forward and make some sense of things somehow. I have a couple of new projects that need to be done this week so I am trying to get on in and get them done. But it certainly feels like I am swimming upstream right now, and I don’t really know why.
Maybe it’s because my son still doesn’t speak..
Maybe it’s because his right hand is completely drawn up…
Maybe it’s because he was in pain last night and kept me awake until the meds kicked in…
Maybe it’s because it’s just simply taking so long!!
I haven’t given up, but it is certainly difficult to hold on when you go day after day with such little progress. He is still progressing, but it is so slow and so minimal. They have said with the brain injury it just does that – goes slow. I guess I’ve still been holding out for the big miracle. You know, he calls out to me in the night, or he opens his right hand, or he just looks at me like he’s really there. It would be nice if he just liked anything….really. But he just exists….doesn’t seem like much of a way to live right now. He just does what I say (when he wants) and sighs when I finally leave him alone so he can rest. It doesn’t seem that he loves, cares, or simply finds enjoyment in anything…and that makes the days long even with the improvements.
I know God promised that Chris would be restored…the messenger sent to my daddy said he would “have a long good life.” It seems God is more patient than me! I know that’s amazing isn’t it? lol!With all my heart I want to trust Him…it’s just taking so long! I know His word is not bound by time, but what point is it if it’s only for the “after life”? None of us will need a healer then…we need Him to manifest healing here in time. I suppose time is my worst enemy.
When I was speaking at the conference in Indianapolis last week I said something that I must use to encourage myself today. I said basically, “The in between really doesn’t matter, it’s the end that we hold on to.” I know the end is Chris will be up and around – restored. But it is the in between that hurts so badly! It’s the in between where we need the touch of the Lord and His grace to carry us through.
I need His grace to carry my through
From the beginning to the end
and all the in between…
Life is raging, don’t know what to do
Needing Him to be with me like a best friend
I need His grace to hold on to what is not yet seen…