That’s what I keep telling myself…just make it through the rest of the day. Somehow I think tomorrow will be better or at least more manageable. But I think I kept telling myself that all through yesterday too. I can’t even start with how rough I feel right now… it’s a hot day in the furnace for sure!
I know some of it is I am just on overload, and I probably genuinely need a break. That should be coming this weekend and I am looking forward to a long drive to just unwind. It will be worth it I am sure. Being with people will be good too, as well as seeing some good friends! Lots to look forward to for sure…but it’s not here yet and there is much to be done to even get it all lined up.
That’s where the struggle begins. Someone told me I could take their car and then forgot! No big deal I am not stranded – I can take the truck just didn’t want to spend all the extra money on gas. Then there’s lining up all the people to sit with Chris. Right now no one can come before 2 or 3 in the afternoon. This means the 12 hour drive will get me there about 2-3 am. But since the time will change it will be more like 3-4 am. The meeting’s not until 1 pm but that’s still pushing it if you ask me! Everyone has to work and I really do understand that! So 3 it is! At least I get to go then!
I am really struggling with little things – it’s my own emotional baggage. One person has to stay two nights – that’s a burden….One wants to do something else on Friday night now… I feel everyone’s weariness with the whole thing. I don’t like that – I feel like it’s my fault!
Ronella and Shawn have done so much during this time but I know that they are getting so tired. They come on Monday nights so that I can tutor – they do that for me every week. And that’s really the longest time I have out of the house and it brings in a little money too.
I’m thinking of being a recluse. I may quite tutoring on Monday and not worry about getting out except when the aid is here. I don’t like feeling “needy” and i hate asking for help. this was my decision to stay with Chris. No help was promised…I shouldn’t expect anyone to volunteer! Well, of course that hasn’t happened yet! No one has ever called to see if I need a day off! And I have never had a whole day off! …still my choice!
Even though Chris is improving he feels so far away still. I hope for good news when we go to the doctor this week, but fear bad news. I’m always afraid they will stop believing! It’s not that I am free from discouragement but I have not stopped believing. I really don’t have the strength to stop believing.
However, since I cannot see past this moment, I feel I must learn how to live in it like it will always be like this. It could still be years in the making (and I am no spring chick!). I have to emotionally prepare as though I will spend the rest of my life like this….
Ps 42:1For the Chief Musician. Maschil of the sons of Korah. As the hart panteth after the water brooks, So panteth my soul after thee, O God. 2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
4 These things I remember, and pour out my soul within me, How I went with the throng, and led them to the house of God, With the voice of joy and praise, a multitude keeping holyday. 5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance.
6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me: Therefore do I remember thee from the land of the Jordan, And the Hermons, from the hill Mizar. 7 Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterfalls: All thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. 8 Yet Jehovah will command his lovingkindness in the day-time; And in the night his song shall be with me, Even a prayer unto the God of my life. 9 I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? 10 As with a sword in my bones, mine adversaries reproach me, While they continually say unto me, Where is thy God? 11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.