I have some really mixed up emotions right now. Last night I took Chris out to my sister’s house. I knew it wouldn’t be his best time of the day but hey, it’s Thanksgiving! I really thought about not going at all as I knew it would be difficult. But I also knew that it was one of those tasks that once completed would be encouraging. You know the kind – you dread and dread it and then after you do it you know you can so it’s not a big of a dread anymore?!? That’s how I felt about loading Chris in Shawn’s car and heading out that way.
I guess for the most part my thoughts were right. It was a chore but I did it and felt really good about being able to get him in and out of a vehicle on my own. I am not a real “dependent” type of person anyway and having to ask for help has really been new to me in all this. I am still uncomfortable with it!
I guess I was prepared for the physical challenge but I wasn’t expecting the emotional fight that I had. I was excited that Chris is able to go to family functions now, but he’s still not “with” us. He shows almost no emotions. As I was getting him ready I kept thinking that these are not the pictures I’d had in my head when I would think about the future in days gone by. You know? I’m not supposed to be dressing him, and taking along tube feeding supplies and incontinent supplies for him at 26. It simply broke my heart to get him ready to go…much more difficult than getting him in the car.
On one hand I am so excited that he’s progressed enough to at least do some things outside the apartment. I just wish he could enjoy them. And you know, maybe he is but he just can’t express it yet. But it’s much safer (especially emotionally) to just be a captive here in the apartment. My emotions were all over the place; some good, some bad.
I don’t really know how to work through from here. There seems to be no end in sight except that I do know he continues to improve each day. It just takes so little to wear him out these days. I think it bothers me that I can feel other’s doubt. They may not call it doubt but I can sense their shaking heads when I talk about how much he’s improved and then they only see him sleep! They just don’t understand all the little milestones he passes as days go by.
For today – to make it through today – I must remind myself of several things.
- He is still able. period.
- He is still faithful…
- He still loves me
- He is still in control
- He still heals
- He leads me beside still waters
- He speaks in the still small voice
- He still remembers us…
- He is..
As i think about the “stills” of God I can think of a few of my own “stills”
- Be still and know He is God
- I will stand still and see His salvation!
- I will still remember His words of old
- I will still trust HIm!
And so here are me and God..still standing together after all this time!