Well, another day is upon us whether we are ready for it or not. There’s no way to press pause and just take a breather either! So here we go another day in the furnace. Over all it’s not been too bad of late. Chris is progressing nicely and starting to eat. All those things help my attitude but still sometimes I feel like my perspective is skewed.
I still have so many fears each day. I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt him or drop him. Worried I’ll feed him something wrong and he’ll choke or something. It’s like even as we progress I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. Every day is an experiment. I have to find out what he can or will handle for today and there’s no sense in even trying to press him further than he is willing to go. However, it’s good he’s making some decisions too.
Even though most of the time I feel like I am helping Chris somewhat, there’s no way to hurry it along. It will take as long as it’s going to take. And once again there’s no end in sight. That’s so difficult (especially for a seer) – to not be able to see the end. Each day I see progress, but can’t see exactly where that leads.
I think one thing that troubles me the most right now is his right hand. Everything else, every part of him seems to be at least advancing somewhat. His right hand seems to be getting tighter and more drawn. I have been working with it but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. That’s one of the frustrating things too – it never seems to be enough no matter what I do. Then I struggle with feeling like he’s being neglected or something. It’s like when I take time to work on the computer (which I have to do to pay the electric bill!) it’s taking away from him. However, I know he needs breaks and I think I am figuring some of that out.
Actually the last few days, I have slowed down with him in some ways. Not in trying to help him but in pushing him. Like when we are standing I don’t hurry him to sit. I let him stand there until he initiates the sitting movement, then I help him to sit. He actually gets more standing time and I think it’s more effective.
Maybe that’s what God does with us sometimes. And maybe those are the times when we feel He is neglecting us. Maybe it’s the times He is waiting on us to initiate a move, then He steps in just not until we are really ready! Those are the times we feel abandoned I am sure. You know, when He doesn’t move fast enough for us. But I hate to admit it – He’s not going to move for us – just with us. As we begin, He will assist.
So maybe all this time we have been waiting on God, He’s really waiting on us! So my decision for faith for today is to go ahead and take a step in the directions He shows me; even though it doesn’t make sense. It’s all about learning to trust Him to not leave us – He won’t! And trusting that when we feel so alone He is still there. He’s waiting on us to move so He can act… so let’s get moving!