I am in a weird place. I guess I sort of live there! I sense the Lord giving me direction once again but I am so not sure how it will all play out. For so long on this journey I couldn’t see past the moment. It’s not that He hasn’t spoken to me during this time, for He has indeed! Although I’ve been led to write more and things like that He hasn’t pushed on me much. (I hope you know what I mean.)
Lately this has changed. I realize that just as He has not changed His mind about even one thing He said about Chris, the same it true for me as well. And the last week or so I can feel His gentle nudging to begin to step on out into some things He has told me. That is so difficult from here.
I know there are family members who will help but I certainly don’t want to wear any of them out. Ronella and Shawn have been an invaluable support for me during this time. They sit with Chris every Monday so I can go tutor and bring in a little dough! Plus they have chosen to just come and chill with us on Friday nights. I am sure they have no idea what that has meant to me…
So, I have a couple of speaking engagements that are pending final plans. They are both on one weekend so that’s good. But it takes so much to set all that up. (I am sure God was aware of this before He began giving me these plans!) And although I really do need the time away (even though it is still technically “working”) I hate to ask for help! It’s not even like I’m doing it every weekend. We’re talking one weekend away that’s it!
Amid the progress there is still lots of fear. Chris has had a couple of sleepier days and that always brings some concern for me. I don’t know why because it’s all part of the healing process. But I worry each time that he may be regressing. Call it lack of faith if you want, but it still makes my thoughts go nuts! I have to really talk myself back through to faith on those days.
Sometimes I feel pretty caught and over burdened. I so need to work on line but I also have lots I feel the Lord directing me to write. How I divide up my time can sometimes be overwhelming. Then I also have to try to remember that it’s okay to just sit sometimes. I feel like I have to be doing something all the time and I forget to relax!
So for today, it’s just a weird spot for me.. almost like I’m regrouping and reassessing and reorganizing all over again! I am excited about my ministry weekend that is coming up and I am also excited about friends who are coming to visit next week! so as you can see my thoughts and emotions are all over the place! Well, welcome to my world! lol!
These are the times when I have to direct my heart back into His rest! That can be a difficult task at best. But it is how I must make it through today. So I will quiet my mind and begin the shut down process so that my voice can become quiet and His can prevail…and I will rest! The best way for me to do this is run…so I’m outa here… headin’ for a good morning run – yep, that’s how I rest.