So there I am with faith soaring high, ready to take on another day and get all I can out of it and Chris; and he goes into his sleep mode again. All the questions and fears that lie dormant most days now begin to dig their way back to the top. Like digging a hole and piling the dirt high trying to bury faith once again.
I often wonder if Noah got a little nervous every time it rained. You know? It had never rained before the flood, they didn’t even know what to expect. It had never been experienced before. It rains; it floods. Then he gets the promise and the rainbow. Even though he had the promise tucked safely in his heart the entire world as he knew it had changed. There was literally nothing the same. So I wonder if the next time it began to sprinkle if he battled a few thoughts while sorting through memories?
When the rainbow is gone how do we remember the promise?
We must rehearse it over and over again until it takes root in our hearts.
So yesterday Chris goes back into what I call his brain sleep. He is totally out to the world and limp as a wet noodle.And that is where the battle begins. All these pictures of where we’ve been and how bad he’s been come to mind. I worry that I gave him the wrong meds at the wrong time or if he’s getting too much of one or another. Will he slip backwards instead of forward… you get the idea. It rages in my heart and mind.
Of course this changes my whole day and schedule. But this time it wasn’t as difficult as times past. He wasn’t twitching like he did during these strange sleeps. He also did rouse a little when I changed him or touched him; of course this was only to moan in displeasure for being disturbed! But to me I still measure that as progress.
As I am standing by his bed with him mostly out I just look at him and recall the promise. If Chris was to digress it really doesn’t matter as that will not cause God to “take it back,” not one word He said will be erased just because Chris has had a rough day. So I remind myself of the promises God has made.
Chris has good days (those I enjoy) and then he has rough days (those can be draining). I am trying to get ahold of the fact (truth) that it really doesn’t matter, it’s all part of this brain injury journey. If I let it, it will always lead me back to Him.
So humor me for a minute while I imagine Noah experiencing that first drop of rain after the rainbow has been gone for some time. You know, rainbows don’t last forever! What went through his mind when the water droplet fell from the sky. He knows what God promised him, did seeing rain without the forewarning cause any alarm at all? I just imagine he might have freaked out for a minute or two only to return to His promise.
In many ways I think his second experience of rain may have been more difficult than the first. The first he was expecting even though he wasn’t sure exactly what it was! The second probably came without warning. This one required a different “working through.” But Noah had to return to the promise to find rest. That’s what I am choosing to do right now. I don’t know what kind of day Chris will have – but I will return to His promise to make it through. The promise is still in effect even though the rainbow has faded.