This has been one of those days. As the day went along frustration mounted. It’s like when I used to get to hike. On the longer trails once you get tired your back pack just gets heavier and heavier! That’s pretty much how today has gone. I really avoided the blog as I don’t want to just dump here without bringing my thoughts back around to faith before I’m done. That is the point after all.
I am backwards. When I am on overload I don’t write at all. So today I am struggling trying to get my internet work done (haven’t done any yet), needing to get the Dove’s Fire newsletter done (skipped it last week), and then just all the stuff that a day brings when you’re caring for a someone in a special needs situation. And so, the weight of the day gets heavier…
The weird thing is that Chris is getting better. The trouble is I don’t know how to help him. Today I can tell he is uncomfortable. I have given him all the pain meds he is allowed and he still just sweats, he obviously doesn’t feel well. But you know what, he is so very vocal about it! That’s the really good thing that I don’t know what to do with! He actually raised his voice loudly when I put the brace on his arm while ago! That’s wonderful…but it still hurts my heart. And so once again I am overcome; with joy and grief.
I am thinking because he’s fighting me more and being more vocal that he’s coming into the next stages of improvement. That can become a very aggressive stage. I don’t know if I have the heart to make it – just being honest here. (It is MY blog, you know!)
So I drink coffee and stare at the wall. Then in the evening I stress over not getting enough done today! But I don’t know what more I could do! I have to trust that the Lord will show me since there’s no human I know who can help me with Chris.
The really odd thing is that through the day as I am singing or praying I can feel the Holy Spirit so close. It’s like I can almost feel God’s breath…He’s just right there. Then the next thing I know, Chris goes into a full blown tone and I can’t budge him to get him out of the chair and I am so very angry and His presence seems so far away. It’s weird to me how I can sense Him so close, and then He feels so far away…all at the same time. Yet somehow I still have a peace once I settle down a bit!
It’s just right there waiting at my fingertips to reach out and grab it. Just right there…right here. Even in the frustrations I can feel I am in His grip. I can’t explain how I feel like He doesn’t care about where we are and then feel His touch all at the same time. But I know I am in His hand. I know He is working things in and out of me that have long needed to change. I know that He will bring us out of this – it’s the when that eats my lunch. Because this is sure feeling long and lonely right about now…
so for now I will simply try to reach out and grab that thought – the one about being in His grip. Now we are back to trust. Do I really trust Him with this situation? Can I really “let go and let God”? Can I really learn to rest in Him?
Well I am thinking if I can relax in His grip from here, I should be able to do it from about anywhere! I don’t know what you are facing right now – but relax – you are still in His grip!