Archive for October, 2010

Just Missing My Life…

I have had a pretty good day really. Chris did well today. He actually made some good progress by holding a cup and lifting it to his mouth to drink. It was a great morning with him. We also took a long walk outside and that was nice. We went a little further as the weather was nice and he seemed to be alert and looking around a lot.

The afternoon was pretty good too. We watched an old movie “The Sandlot.” I love that movie! Chris actually watched about the first half hour of it, so that was really good too.

Then this evening I had a couple of things happen that really just bottomed me out. For one a little boy was playing outside and his mom came out and told him he only had an hour before time to come inside for the evening. I had an almost immediate flash back of Chris and the days he and Ronella were little. I really enjoyed my kids and watching them grow up. I don’t really want to go back to that lol, but those were really good days. It just kinda made my heart twinge a little bit missing them both. (I’m weird I know)

Then I got online and was working  on one of the sites where I get paid to discuss things. Someone started a discussion about all the things they like to do. They listed things I love, like hiking! And asked what we like to do for enjoyment. And right about then is when I bottomed out. I don’t have those options. I felt this huge gap in my life all of a sudden and nothing to fill it in.

I miss just going to get a cup of coffee, or running to Wally world just to grab something. I miss going to Border’s shopping for books. I really miss hiking all day! I even think I miss the sore feet and body! 🙂 I miss being able to come and go as I please. I am in a way under house arrest. I can’t go anywhere except during those two hours in the mornings. Don’t misunderstand that, I appreciate it or I really would go stir crazy! Being able to run errands really does help!

But I just miss living a life. Making plans like trips. It hurts when my parents are in need and I can’t be the one to go see about them. I miss going to church on Sundays and having a job to complain about! (that’s what we have them for, right?)

That’s where I am right now. I just miss living a life. I’m a prisoner in my own home and in a town I never would have chosen to live in! I miss being bored and trying to figure out how I wanna spend my “days off.” Like deciding where I want to go hiking, or if I can squeeze in a game of racquetball. I miss deciding if I want to run in the morning or the evening… I just miss everything right now.

So how do I find faith from here? I have to look at the good points…like the new friends I have all over the world. I am really enjoying writing right now and look forward to completing more projects. I can do music whenever I want. I have football! yeah, that’s a plus! Even though I suck at my fantasy team selections!

I am thankful that God is with me and He’s not going to leave me. I am thankful in a way for the furnace (not for what happened to Chris) but I have begun to see things in a different light and if it is ever over I plan on living a lot differently. I am thankful for a different point of view…Some things that I thought were really important really don’t carry any weight any more (like what people think of me) and other things weigh much more  (like relationships).

There’s an old saying that when you really go through something you find out who your true friends are. I have found this out and for this I am thankful too!

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I Give Myself Permission…

It took a long time to be able to enjoy anything. And really in some ways it is still a difficulty I face. It’s so intense dealing with Chris everyday. His girlfriend and I just had a discussion about the grief we still feel. It doesn’t stop because we still don’t have Chris. There is grief for all the abilities he lost. Also a lot of grief over us losing the last two years with him.

I know all effected grieve a lot about the whole thing. I know his sister has shared with me about feeling like she’s an “only child” now. We have all suffered a great loss. But he’s still here so it’s not like we can just shut the door and move on.

I spent a lot of time grieving about my new life I had discovered in Chicago. I still wince when I see pictures! But I started to turn that one around now. Instead of being so sad that I lost something, I started thanking God that I got to have such a wonderful experience before all this happened!

Last night after I got Chris in bed (which is quite an ordeal even though it sounds simple!) I grabbed my Runner’s World magazine. I just wanted to sip a cup of coffee and sit and read the whole thing! I put myself under so much pressure because there is so much pressure! lol!

I need to be writing something or trying to work online to bring in a little bit. There really is a lot to do and I rarely stop. So last night when I pushed away the urge to just chill for long enough to enjoy a magazine I realized I was way out of balance. I smiled, went and made some coffee and gave myself permission to relax!

Living in the reality of every day it is sometimes hard to relax and just have fun. It’s like it’s not allowed because Chris is not better yet. But I am learning that I need to get out and just have some fun and it’s really okay. It’s okay to laugh again, it’s okay to kid around, it’s okay…it’s just okay.

I give myself permission to enjoy some things, even if it’s just sitting quietly and watching the birds play at the bird feeder outside the window. It’s okay to enjoy time with Ronella and Shawn. And it’s okay to enjoy the grandbaby!

So today, I give myself permission to smile!…and I think I will give myself permission to just relax…

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Faith When the Furnace Gets Hotter!

You know, it’ all going good. Chris is doing great, making improvements and faith comes easy. It’s comfortable to say, “God has promised” this or that including a “full recovery”! Faith is there for the moment. Scriptures bound up from my heart and run through my head. I can easily give a hearty, “Yes and amen!” Standing even while in the furnace is easy those days, much like this morning.

But then out of nowhere comes this resounding shaking. A simple phone call to try to resolve one of Chris’ debts and the flood of emotions take over once again. I have to explain and re-explain the situation reiterating all the details of the last two years as briefly as I can so they understand. However, it seems in America the only thing that has a voice is money.

Some bill collectors are compassionate although they can do nothing to help. Some can be just down right ugly and uncaring. Since I got power of attorney I’ve begun calling some of them to see where I need to send the paperwork. Each one knows nothing about what’s going on even though each person I have talked with over the last few months has supposedly “noted his account.” So all three places I called I had to go through the same old spill…and it has a way of trying to wear down faith.

Once again I have to really stop and see where I am and it’s getting hot once again! How can I look realistically at this present situation and get my spirit and His word back in control? As I hang up the phone from the third call doubt rushing in and tries to replace my peace. I see Chris sitting here, not speaking moving very little on his own.He can do little to care for himself. Seemingly cares about nothing. And I miss him…

How do I get the Word and His promises back in control? I deal with reality everyday, there’s no way to ignore what I am living through. The struggle never ceases. I see what is present here in time and grasp toward faith once again.

Psalm 77 is a great psalm during these times. I look at verse 11. When I cannot see what God is doing right now, I think of all He’s done. I think about where Chris was a year ago, and how much more he’s doing today. I cannot think about how far he has to go and keep it all together. I must think about how God spared his life November 8, 2008. I think back about all the tubes that were sustaining him for days. Then I think about how one by one they have all been removed until the only one left to remove is the feeding tube.

I think of how he slept and slept and slept…and how he is awake all day now every day. God has brought him so far. God has brought me so far!

Psalm 105 comes to mind.

Seek the Lord and His strength

Seek His face continually

Remember His wonders which He has done.

And once again there is peace in the storm and faith for today.

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A Typical Day In The Furnace

I thought I would just share what a typical day looks like for Chris and myself. This doesn’t include all the little things that have to be done like housework and bill paying! This is a basic day for us if all goes smoothly.

Generally, I’m up by 6 or 6:30 depending on how well Chris slept through the night. Some nights he’ll sleep for a 4 or 5 hour slot. But most nights he wakes me up every 2 to 3 hours. And there are those nights he doesn’t sleep well at all and I’m up every hour or so trying to change him or get him comfortable.

At 6:30 I prepare his morning bolus (tube feeding) and meds. After I finish feeding him to about 7:30 is “my time.” This is where I pray, meditate and read the Word. I am learning how important this habit really is! I decided to develop it when Ronella was little. I wanted time in the Word before the day crashed in and I’ve been doing it ever since. I know see its value as the Word I put in my heart all those years can’t be shaken. I have found that even the hottest furnace can’t burn it away! It has been a mainstay and carried me during this time of testing. And even those times when I wanted to give up and quit and forget God and His word…it was in me so deep and my heart held His word with so tight a grip I couldn’t walk away!

About 7:30 I eat my breakfast and dress and check the computer. This is when I try to get the blog done as well. I want to have all that done before Chris’ aid arrives at 8. When she gets here I greet her and head out the door! I run most mornings. Then I come back and get my bike and run errands, like get groceries or toilet paper! I am limited to what I can carry home on my bike but I’m getting pretty good at packing my back pack!

I have to finish all my errands and be back about 9:45 as the aid helps me get Chris up and into the recliner. While I am gone she does his laundry and some light house keeping. She also bathes him each morning and gets him dressed. This has been such a blessing for me!!

Chris is up and in the recliner by 10. The aid leaves right about then. I offer Chris some food by mouth. He’s getting pretty good at eating this time of day. Then I bolus him and give him more meds. I then let him rest for a few minutes and I check my email or catch up the dishes.

Chris will stay up in the recliner until about noon. In that time I will do little exercises with him. I have to do an activity then let him rest a few minutes. It’s broken up into little pieces. Each day I just kinda have to find what will work and shoot for what he’s doing best that day. Some days he does well with the legs others with his arms. I usually try to stretch and work on that right hand some too.

At noon I get him back in the bed. I say that like it’s easy but it takes around 20 minutes or more depending on his level of cooperation! Once he’s in the bed I let him rest until about 12:30. This is when I eat lunch or take a shower – depending on which is most pressing at the moment! lol!

At 12:30 we work on sitting and standing. I stretch him again and work with sitting him up on the edge of the bed. Presently we are working on balance and him holding himself up. Then I let him lie down for a few minutes as even the smallest things can tire him out. Then we will do sit to stands. That means he sits on the edge of the bed and stands from the sitting position. He repeats one after another for about 5 is our max so far. He rests another 5 minutes and then we try to stand for our minimum of 4 minutes. We do not always get all of this in every single day. Some days we only stand and some days we only work on balanced sitting. It depends on what works well that day!

By 1 o’clock I generally have the lights out and him tucked in for a good  low or no stimulus rest. I give him two hours of nothing! Of course I check on him and see to anything that might need attention during this time. From 1 to 3 is when I try to do writing for Dove’s Fire projects.

By 3 I need to bolus Chris again and give him his meds. After I let him rest a minute and let his food settle, it’s time to get up again! I get him up and back in the recliner. If the weather and Chris are cooperative this is when we may take a walk outside. Then he’s back in the recliner and we do some more little activities off and on, like tic tac toe! By 5 I offer him food by mouth again. This is still hit and miss but he’s getting more consistent.

Depending on when he gets tired I will put him back into bed around 6. He might watch a video or look at pictures or I might just sit and talk to him or read to him. But those are things I do throughout the day as well. We talk about current news stories (although I won’t let him watch the news… don’t need all that negative influence) like the rescue of the miners, or the earthquake we had the other day!

There are lots of other things I may do through the day like skype with a friend or watch a particular familiar movie and such..

I bolus him again around 6:30 or 7 – but no meds this time! Then leave the light on but put up some quiet stimulus like picture boards of friends and family. A little before 8 I turn the lamps on and hopefully he is settling down by then.

During the evenings I do my ptc sites, write articles for pay, discussion boards (I get paid to talk!), and work on any other writings that are pressing at the time.

That’s pretty much our day….

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Dear Social Worker

Please find enclosed the stupid little card you sent to me which no longer carries a balance. It is no longer worth the hassle for me, I’d rather live on beans and rice than to jump through any more of your hoops. During the five months that I have requested help it has been total chaos! I can’t take any more.

I know you are not paid to care; nor or you paid to help you just want to get your paycheck like everyone else. I also know you don’t really care about my situation or its uniqueness. It would be so much easier if I could be dishonest and just not tell anyone about the money I am making on line. I am literally making pennies at a time on pay to click (ptc) sites. I work two or three and bring in a little bit at a time that I really wouldn’t have to tell anyone about. But I am honest and so applying for help gets complicated because I am a little different than everyone else.

But actually, you don’t care about the situation. Like the fact that I was gainfully employed and working three different jobs before my son’s accident. And you don’t know that I am only working these piddly little ptc sites because I want to be able to be here for my son. You didn’t ask me about any of that now did you? My tax records aren’t even enough for you. There’s always one more thing that you need to try to figure out if I am going to get the whole $117 per month or not for food. I don’t care any more!

I learned a long time ago that I do not have to take abuse and this is turning into a very oppressive thing for me so I am outa hear….but you don’t really care about that either do you? Now you have less paper work and still get the same amount of money while I get no food benefits. It would be different if I was trying to scam the system to get money; all I needed was a little help. thanks for nuthin’!

You are actually the third social worker who has handled my case in this five month trial. The first one pretty much lost every paper I sent or faxed to her. I finally would go up to the office and hand each piece of paper to her. I got tired of everything being lost in imaging, or in the fax room or God knows were else! And when I did call I rarely got a person. On one such rare occasion when she really answered her phone she “hadn’t checked” her messages. I could leave three over the course of a week and she hadn’t checked them yet! The day of our first appointment I sat there for two hours while the office people kept assuring me she was there they just couldn’t find her! She finally got everything cleared though so I got some food stamps for a couple of months without too much hassle.

Of course I had to take my ledger up there so she could copy it all and try to understand my system. It was crazy!

Then one day I called and was informed that she was no longer there. I was thankful for a minute. But then the dude that had my case was very rude. (that’s what I need when I need help!) At that time I had no way of getting out during the day to go take papers to them so I could look ’em in the eyes when I handed them across the counter. So I mailed the documents he requested. (the same ones I previously had sent to worker number1) When I called to ask him if he received them he gave me the same lame story about them being lost in imaging…and a really nice speech on how I should be more patient with them it takes time he said. (go ahead, kick the deadbeat while they’re down — that’s the attitude I got from him )

So I waited and then I got another letter from the same dude and he wanted a copy of the previously sent papers AGAIN! I was at the post office and on my bike (which is my form of transportation right now) but I called immediately. I learned that I had yet another worker. But she had a different number I had to call. I told the receptionist that I did not have a pen with me. (I laugh now) She said very sternly, “You have to write this number down!” I was like, does that fact make a pen appear in my hand? Oh gee, now I can write it down since you yelled at me! Thanks! But I nicely said, “I am sorry, I am at the post office and not near my home where I have a pen. I will call you back when I am where I can write the number down.” Sheesh!

So I finally reached my third worker by phone that day. I told her I had already sent in my paper work but I would bring a copy to her by bike on Friday. And I did. I put the papers in her hands. (copies of the same ones I had provided the previous two workers)

I got a letter the other day stating that my case had been closed because I failed to provide documentation. I called and the receptionist said I didn’t have a case in the computer. I left a message with the worker who assured me that everything had been done and I would receive my benefits shortly.

I called the 1-800 number everyday to see if there was a balance. Each day it said the balance was still $0. She said it was difficult with my earnings to figure out what I was supposed to get. I laughed and said, “Yeah, it’d be a lot easier if I wasn’t honest!” She laughed too, because she knew it was true. If I only reported what I had W2s for it’d be easy and I’d get more money! lol!

But then today I got a letter stating they want my records again since they can’t figure out how I am “self-employed.” And you know what I snapped. I do not need this stress on top of everything else… so here is my food stamp card. Give it to someone who is scamming the system and who knows how to play it just right. I don’t care any more!

I’m not riding my bike up there, I am not making one more phone call, and I am not spending the money on one more stamp! That’s why I am sending this back to you in the envelope you paid the postage on! Keep the stupid thing! I could probably have made enough for a chunk of it by clicking my ptc sites instead of chasing after paperwork and making copies of the same papers over and over is eating my ink budget up!

So my dear social worker, I know you are relieved that you don’t have to deal with me anymore. But I speak for every person who is on assistance that really would rather do this another way ( I would so prefer to have a job rather than needing any help)…. please care!

Dear Government – please figure out an efficient system for doing things! There’s no excuse for this type of treatment just to get help. But I know how to end abuse….don’t participate. Thank you so much for spending tax dollars to torment and tease me with what I could have…

So here’s your card back… thanks for nothing!

 

To the readers: just wanted you to know where the tax dollars are going. I think they are lost in imaging too!

 

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I hope he remembers…

I’m just sitting here wondering how I will get through today. Each morning I wonder what kind of day Chris will have. Days like yesterday make it harder to get through as he just did not feel well. He had a cough which we battled all day. Hopefully, we got ahead of it. I didn’t push him much as I knew he didn’t seem to feel well. Then I feel guilty because I wonder if I’m doing him more harm than good!

It’s so hard to know what to do. I know the studies I have done talk about just sitting up can be stimulus for someone recovering from a TBI. We did watch a couple of episodes of Star Gate. I worked with his legs some and his arms, but always wonder if I am doing it correctly, doing it enough or need to do more or less. It’s always a guessing game. I call it “Playing Guess and Check.”

We play this game a lot since he is not verbal enough to tell me what he needs. I try something to see if it will work and then if he’s not happy or seems uncomfortable we try something else. This can be a vicious cycle sometimes. But I am thinking maybe we need to do more of that in the church.

The difficulty for me is his lack of the ability to communicate. He can’t tell me, “my sock is wrinkled in my shoe.” When I find something like that I feel so bad! But I have to know that I really can’t always cover everything every time! I want to be perfect. I know nursing is not my “calling!” And if I didn’t know before all this happened I would certainly know it by now! lol! I have done some crazy stuff. Those are the things I hope he doesn’t remember!

I hope he remembers me being with him 24/7. I hope he remembers me holding him and crying and praying. I hope he remembers that I pushed him and wouldn’t let him quit. I hope he remembers how I kept encouraging him and telling him it’s going to be alright and how good he’s doing.

I don’t know how much he is going to remember when all this is done, and there are lots of things I hope he won’t recall, like the pain. I miss him so much. It seems like as he is waking up and becoming more alert I miss him even more…

Today I have to remind myself that God remembers. God has seen every moment of this journey even before it began. I am sure He is hoping that I remember He is with us on the walk through the furnace. I know He wants me to remember that He is there to encourage me day by day. He wants us to remember that He is our strength and we really can trust Him. I hope Chris remembers these things too!

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Committed to the journey…

I have been watching the rescuing of the miners who have been trapped for so long in Chili. It’s a wonderful sight to see as each one has emerged so far. I remember the day at the hospital with Chris when I realized there wasn’t going to be a rescue. No one could ride in on a white horse and carry me away from the situation. There wasn’t any panic button to push and have people come rushing in to make Chris all better and my own pain go away.

I recall the day in particular when I went for a run while Chris was sleeping. On that day I committed to the journey. I didn’t know all the particulars but I knew it wasn’t going to be short or easy. I came back to the room at the hospital and told Chris “I cannot walk it for you, but I can walk it with you.” That’s been my level of commitment to this journey and we are still walking it together.

One of the miners said that there were not 33 people trapped in the mine. He said there were 34 down there because God never left them. God is committed to the journey as well. He does not abandon us when things get tough. Actually He knew they were coming before He formed us in the wombs of our mothers. He prepared the way through the journey before we even existed in this world. He planned on walking it with us back then!

I have no idea how much longer this journey will be as there is no end in sight. But I can take each day as it comes. Each day I commit to pushing Chris as far as he can go and help him go one step further. I can rest in the truth that I know that as committed as I am to this journey with Chris, God is that committed to walking it with me!

 

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Jeremiah 29:11

This scripture has been a mainstay in my life for many years. As believers we can trust and believe that everything’s gonna be okay. We trust that God is in control and the things that come our way will yield themselves to hope and His good plans for us.

The future is hard to see and plan for from inside the furnace. Perhaps it’s the high walls that obscure the view! (smile)  But seriously from here I cannot even begin to plan for anything else. Some of that is a time element of not knowing how fast Chris is going to recover. You see, his recovery is not the question it’s already been promised. That’s the part I can hold onto by faith. God promised a full recovery and the doctors even confirmed it. But the trouble is in the when. This makes it difficult to make future plans.

Frequently I am asked what I want to do when this is over. I really cannot come up with an answer because although I know there will be an end someday, I cannot see it from here. I can’t even try to figure out what that looks like. I know we have invites to Alaska and Pakistan to share our testimony. But how that will all work out is very cloudy.

This inability to plan for the future is a very difficult aspect of furnace living. Sometimes it is draining just trying to figure out how to make through a day or to the end of a week. I am sure part of the personal part of this is simply because my life is so on “hold” for the moment. I was supposed to be traveling by now! And I still get invites but I am unable to go. It’s so much just planning for an evening out or a morning off to race.

With my life on hold it’s difficult to remember the promises and plans He has shared with me over the years. Honestly, I cannot see them from here. I am sure they are out there still as He doesn’t change His mind or lie! But I cannot even try to stretch my mind out to what I might be doing in five years. Each day looks the same. I have to be prepared for today. That takes a lot right now.

So I hold on to Jeremiah 29:11 that God has a future and a hope including good plans for us. This means it’s out there even though I cannot see it and even though I am stuck right here in the present with no view of the future. He has good plans still.

However, this morning while meditating on this scripture, I wondered about when it was written and when God promised the deliverance and how long it took. What was it like for those held captive in Babylon? This is when I opened to the passage and started at verse 10!

Verse 10 says that the plans were for after seventy years! This had to be what Daniel read when he counted it up on his fingers and said, It’s time! But this time element throws us off. I have been enduring this furnace for almost two years now, what if I were facing 70? Now realistically I am not going to live another 70 years! But if it was God’s plans for this to all be completed in 70 years does it matter? Do we allow this element of time to weaken our trust in Him?

It’s easy to read the chapters in the last portions of Daniel and see that he was reading Jeremiah’s writings. He figured out that he had been a captive in Babylon for 70 years and the fulfillment was due! I read that in a few minutes, but he lived it for seventy years.

Time can be one of the greatest enemies of my mind. But God has promised and there are two things that come to my mind.

  • God is not a man that He should lie. It is not possible for God to lie. ( Hebrews 6:18; Titus1:2;Numbers 23:19)
  • He who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

 

So although time wears away at my body and soul I must rest in His plans. Even though I must deal with today and cannot see past tomorrow…He hasn’t changed His plans. They still stand. He has given us a future and a hope…and it doesn’t look like this. There will be an end!

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What A Day Will Bring…

You really never know what a day will bring. We get up and go on with our plans, and we should, but we never know what may lie just ahead around the bend. Perhaps it will be a great trial or triumph, who knows! Chris is still asleep and I am wondering what today will bring with him. I have seen so much progress of late but I hold my breath as I know how back and forth the brain injury world can be.

I had a dream about him again last night. I dreamed he got up and started walking around with no stiffness whatsoever. It took me a minute because he looked so natural. Then I realized he had no stiffness. So I asked him, because I was still having a hard time (even in the dream) grasping its reality. I said, “aren’t you stiff?” And he turned and looked at me and said “No.” Like I was silly for even asking. I started just crying as I realized he was up and around once again…I am sure it is only a product of all my thoughts about his tone yesterday. He was so loose I got very little help transferring him. He’s been getting more loose each day…and I can only hope.

I don’t know what today will bring with my son. I don’t know if he’ll return to being stiff as a board and be difficult to handle again or if he will remain loose. I am supposed to call the doctors if he gets “loose as a noodle.” I am sure that’s o we can adjust some medication. But I hesitate as sometimes progress is there…then it it gone.

So I will be patient for today. I think that is one thing I am learning to be during this trial. Some of it comes with age too! I am learning things usually work out the way they are supposed to! And sometimes life is like dealing with a brain injury, it will progress naturally; you can’t push it or pull it into the next phase it will get there when it gets there!

I don’t know yet what today will bring but I will continue to trust God’s promise. In spite of my more than sore body and all the aches and pains of my heart He is faithful. And He promised complete restoration. So no matter what today brings I will rest in the promises He has made. I will trust in His Word.

There’s an old song that comes to mind (this’ll date me for sure!)… One more mountain to climb, one more river to cross, one more valley that I got go through leavin’ my troubles behind… One more battle with the devil and I know he’ll understand I’m going through with Jesus hallelujah holdin’ to His nail scarred hand!

And going through with Him (through the fire, the flood or the press) is the goal no matter what a day brings.

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The Most Wonderful Problem to Have…

Today has been really good so far. My aunt and uncle came and shared with me this morning. We had our own “service” where  I did a few of my songs for them and Uncle Roger shared from the scriptures…. totally refreshing! They have been so supportive during all of this time I appreciate and love them so much! (they’ll never know!!)

I am thinking that the crushing is bringing forth His fragrance in my life. I hope that is the effect at least. Maybe I am not there yet, but my hope and prayer is that in this crucible I will be crushed away until only He remains. I hope in the writings and any who may visit with me you find His fragrance is all that is left behind. At the same time I fear I depress everyone! That’s really not my purpose…I hope someone somewhere is being encouraged to hang on to their faith even though they are facing a furnace in their own lives.

So here’s my problem… wonderful as it is! Chris has no tone. That’s the wonderful part. The problem part is that he has to be lifted a lot more. He is having difficulty standing as before the tone caused by the brain injury was helping him out a lot, but now it’s all him. Actually I have done okay today. But it’s like the progress means I have to start all over again!

I have to decide how to cut back his muscle relaxer again without getting all the tone back. I will probably call Valir if it continues for a day or so more. It’s like it’s a big guessing game, guessing what to do next and then checking to see if it will work…then adjusting if it does or not. It’s kinda like just about the time you “get in the groove” something changes so there’s no where to rest. There’s no place to stop as we are always pressing forward. This is really a good problem to have…but very tiring. And tired I am! I am not discouraged or depressed, but I am tired!

I get tired of wiping up his drool, I shouldn’t have to be doing that! (but I do it because I love him)…while my heart cries because of who he has been. Even with the progress and the movement beginning to return the progress can bring tears for two reasons. One is that I am excited when I can visually see some forward motion in this forever long battle. the other is that it isn’t supposed to be the things I am rejoicing in with my 26 year old son. I am supposed to be rejoicing at his first job, his college graduation, his wedding plans or a percussion piece getting published in some music book I’ve never heard of but he assures me it is one of the top and a high honor. Instead I am rejoicing that he is feeding himself three or four bites or he can count to five up and down with his fingers on his left hand. While I am so happy about the progress there’s always an underlying sadness.

The absence of tone is truly a reason for happiness. It means some of the damage doesn’t have a foothold anymore. It’s kind of like he’s been released. This is wonderful; but now I have to start all over with standing! But hey, progress is progress! So I must refocus myself for starting over again; and this I will do! It really is a wonderful problem to have.

My uncle shared this morning that “God will” and I know He will so that’s what I hold on to today. God’s promised to restore Chris so I wait…that’s the hard part! But I will rest in His promise today even though I am having to regroup and figure all this out again…I wait and believe no matter what I see! …and there is my faith for the day!

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