I’m not even sure where to begin today. So much has happened over the last couple of days and I am somewhat overwhelmed. I am kinda backwards to most people. When I get overwhelmed I tend to shut down instead of writing it all out. My personal journal can go weeks without an entry when I am running on overload! Then when I get it all processed I may sit and write five or six pages on one day! I’m kinda feeling overwhelmed today.
My emotions have been up and down and back and forth the last couple of days. I still see marked improvement in Chris every single day. This is in spite of the fact that he has not felt well for the last several days. Turns out it is just a pretty decent little asthma attack. But we are back to steroids and taking breathing treatments every 4 hours! Just like when he was 5! History does tend to repeat itself huh? lol!
Well, in the midst of all the stress of him not feeling well I saw something that really disturbed me yesterday. First, let me say even though he didn’t feel well he did so well at the hospital. He didn’t flinch when they took his blood pressure and stuck his finger out so that they could put the sensor on it! If you know the journey, you know those are both very major advancements from where he’s been!
But in the middle of it I noticed his right hand seemed more drawn than normal. I felt like a total failure like he’d gotten worse under my care. On the inside I was devastated! I have been working with the right hand but had slacked off while he’s not been feeling well. If I wasn’t feeling well the last thing I want someone to do is start messing with the most painful part of my body!
But it was real obvious it was all pulled in, more than I had ever seen before, and my heart sunk. I battled back and forth with my emotions and feelings of failure. I had too much at hand to let it drag me down too deep. And I made a new commitment to double up working with it today. I’ll also figure out a way to make the brace work somehow. That’s all real frustrating because I don’t know what I am doing or how long is effective…etc….Plus it tends to break down skin in other areas… but I will figure it out!
Anyway, in my thoughts I went back to God’s promises of restoration. Last night as i was doing his tube feeding I looked at Chris’ hand and was somewhat angry at this whole thing. I miss Chris and I cannot bring him back! I had a few moments of just deep heart felt pain for who Chris was…wondering who he will be…but my heart took me back to God’s promises.
As I looked at his shriveled hand I thought, “How far is too far?” Since God promised restoration it really doesn’t matter how “far” Chris appears to be from that point. God promised it and I must figure out how to get my heart to hold on to it no matter how far away it seems. Chris cannot get so far away that God can’t handle it.
The promise is never too far away to believe! Trust HIm.