Whether or not it is vocalized I think we all have hopes for each day. Our goals are set and we are hoping to achieve them all. And so here’s today and I feel I fell far short in all my goals yesterday. There is so much to do and Chris is sleeping less during the day and requiring more time. Trust me, this in no way is a complaint! Yeah for progress!
But last night was very frustrating. He was making all kinds of sounds (which of course is a bit more progress) and I could tell something wasn’t right. I was having a difficult time with our little game I call “Guess and check.” That just means I guess what he needs, do it and check to see if he’s happy. If not, I guess something else! I will be so glad when he can speak!
It seemed like last night’s game of guess and check went for hours. He was moaning and uncomfortable, wheezing and coughing and I knew he probably just didn’t feel good. When I was in the bedroom he’d be fine but if I came to the living room as soon as I sat down he started up again. It was like there was a button on my back side that told him to start making noise.
This wore me out! In those moments I am likely to lose it! I want to make him comfortable, I don’t want him to be in pain. I cannot do one thing to make him better faster. That’s when frustration hits, when I don’t know what to do. We played this little game for probably two or three hours last night; I grew tired because I couldn’t fix anything.
I tried to soothe him with all the medicine I thought might work, talking to him, playing music for him, and singing the songs I always sang to my kids when they were little. Absolutely nothing helped. This is where God sees my anger. I become frustrated because any of this had to happen to Chris, I can’t fix it, etc. I begin asking lots and lots of questions like, You are still here right? Did we commit some grave sin that You no longer hear us? Has Your grace moved away? And there’s lots more that come out in the heat of the moment but I can’t remember them now!
Finally after all this I stood in the doorway of the bedroom and sighed. I have not felt this helpless very many times in my life. I just stood there longing for Chris to be better. Then I began to sing. I just sang from my heart asking God all my questions, like if He could still hear our prayers, did He still care or had He moved far away….I just poured it out there.
Time had passed enough that I could feed Chris again and I could give him a dose of pain medicine again. I guess it worked because he went to sleep shortly after that. But I didn’t meet my goals for the day. I need to do so much more writing and working on line, on my web page, and the list goes on. It seems like I cannot ever get ahead!
As I look back on yesterday I must look at the things I did get done and not the things I left undone! And in the midst of yesterday’s battle I found Psalm 63:5-8 to be true:
My soul wait in silence for God only
for my hope is from Him
He only is my rock and my salvation
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken!
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
Teh rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
May we all learn how to pour out our hearts before Him and continue to trust in Him through life’s storms. He does care, and He does hear our deepest cry.