Is it another day already? Wow. One more day toward recovery I suppose. Chris has actually had a couple of pretty good days and that seems to really help me a lot. But my heart still hurts to see him like this. I look at his body not able to function as it did and just want to cry. ( I don’t because that will not change a thing.) But my heart weeps for who he was, the Chris I miss immensely. And I have to wonder who he will be when this is all done.
Even though I know God’s promise concerning Chris I wonder if he will be like this forever. It’s what I see that wears away at my faith. I have to try to care for Chris’ needs and not look at where he is and all the things he cannot do for himself.
I raised my kids to be independent thinkers and to act independent of others. And now he is dependent on me for every little thing. He cannot even voice what he needs or feels. And my heart breaks once again. But I tell myself I don’t have any choice but to make it through one more day. And as I make it through one day at a time, there surely will be an end some time…
What if it takes 5 years? What if it takes longer? I have to be okay with God’s decisions since my efforts cannot speed the process up even on second!
One struggle is to decide to not take on a “victim” mentality. That would have been easy for Joseph to slip in to, and no one would have condemned him for it! Who knows if he struggled with those types of feelings or not. I am learning that the emotions of life are real, feelings are real and there is a struggle against depression. Joseph (and other Bible heroes) must have struggled with some of these things – they were human you know!
But faith isn’t in the struggle, it’s the fight of holding on to what He said in the struggles that life brings. It’s not a sin to have to fight off depression and we didn’t necessarily do anything wrong to invite it in. But I don’t have to invite it to stay for supper like a long lost friend! lol! I am learning when my thoughts shift to oppressive thoughts, I must turn them around.
When I begin to be drug under the what ifs pertaining to Chris and this lengthy journey, I have to decide what to do with today. I can’t work through the next few days, months or years today and I really don’t have to. I simply have to work through today and end up on top.
So today I will keep my focus on His promise. I actually have a lot of writing to do today. Some wonderful things are unfolding from Hebrews and I am excited to begin to write about them! Hebrews has some great scriptures on not casting away your confidence. So today, I choose to not throw it away! I will hold on to what He said for one more day, I won’t throw it away!
There are several things we tend to “throw away” when the going gets tough. The first thing to go is faith. We just toss it aside no matter what He said. It is a fight to hold on to sometimes but it’s worth not throwing away! Peace can be tossed quite easily too; and sometimes it’s harder to hold on to it can slip right out of your fingers and leave you a crumbled mess. But don’t throw it away! Whatever you need to do to keep peace in your heart even in the turmoil of life, do it. Some may sing, or pray, or go for a hike and be swallowed by nature’s serenity.
Don’t throw away your confidence in Him today! Hold fast to what He has said.