I have had a pretty good day really. Chris did well today. He actually made some good progress by holding a cup and lifting it to his mouth to drink. It was a great morning with him. We also took a long walk outside and that was nice. We went a little further as the weather was nice and he seemed to be alert and looking around a lot.
The afternoon was pretty good too. We watched an old movie “The Sandlot.” I love that movie! Chris actually watched about the first half hour of it, so that was really good too.
Then this evening I had a couple of things happen that really just bottomed me out. For one a little boy was playing outside and his mom came out and told him he only had an hour before time to come inside for the evening. I had an almost immediate flash back of Chris and the days he and Ronella were little. I really enjoyed my kids and watching them grow up. I don’t really want to go back to that lol, but those were really good days. It just kinda made my heart twinge a little bit missing them both. (I’m weird I know)
Then I got online and was working on one of the sites where I get paid to discuss things. Someone started a discussion about all the things they like to do. They listed things I love, like hiking! And asked what we like to do for enjoyment. And right about then is when I bottomed out. I don’t have those options. I felt this huge gap in my life all of a sudden and nothing to fill it in.
I miss just going to get a cup of coffee, or running to Wally world just to grab something. I miss going to Border’s shopping for books. I really miss hiking all day! I even think I miss the sore feet and body! 🙂 I miss being able to come and go as I please. I am in a way under house arrest. I can’t go anywhere except during those two hours in the mornings. Don’t misunderstand that, I appreciate it or I really would go stir crazy! Being able to run errands really does help!
But I just miss living a life. Making plans like trips. It hurts when my parents are in need and I can’t be the one to go see about them. I miss going to church on Sundays and having a job to complain about! (that’s what we have them for, right?)
That’s where I am right now. I just miss living a life. I’m a prisoner in my own home and in a town I never would have chosen to live in! I miss being bored and trying to figure out how I wanna spend my “days off.” Like deciding where I want to go hiking, or if I can squeeze in a game of racquetball. I miss deciding if I want to run in the morning or the evening… I just miss everything right now.
So how do I find faith from here? I have to look at the good points…like the new friends I have all over the world. I am really enjoying writing right now and look forward to completing more projects. I can do music whenever I want. I have football! yeah, that’s a plus! Even though I suck at my fantasy team selections!
I am thankful that God is with me and He’s not going to leave me. I am thankful in a way for the furnace (not for what happened to Chris) but I have begun to see things in a different light and if it is ever over I plan on living a lot differently. I am thankful for a different point of view…Some things that I thought were really important really don’t carry any weight any more (like what people think of me) and other things weigh much more (like relationships).
There’s an old saying that when you really go through something you find out who your true friends are. I have found this out and for this I am thankful too!