It took a long time to be able to enjoy anything. And really in some ways it is still a difficulty I face. It’s so intense dealing with Chris everyday. His girlfriend and I just had a discussion about the grief we still feel. It doesn’t stop because we still don’t have Chris. There is grief for all the abilities he lost. Also a lot of grief over us losing the last two years with him.
I know all effected grieve a lot about the whole thing. I know his sister has shared with me about feeling like she’s an “only child” now. We have all suffered a great loss. But he’s still here so it’s not like we can just shut the door and move on.
I spent a lot of time grieving about my new life I had discovered in Chicago. I still wince when I see pictures! But I started to turn that one around now. Instead of being so sad that I lost something, I started thanking God that I got to have such a wonderful experience before all this happened!
Last night after I got Chris in bed (which is quite an ordeal even though it sounds simple!) I grabbed my Runner’s World magazine. I just wanted to sip a cup of coffee and sit and read the whole thing! I put myself under so much pressure because there is so much pressure! lol!
I need to be writing something or trying to work online to bring in a little bit. There really is a lot to do and I rarely stop. So last night when I pushed away the urge to just chill for long enough to enjoy a magazine I realized I was way out of balance. I smiled, went and made some coffee and gave myself permission to relax!
Living in the reality of every day it is sometimes hard to relax and just have fun. It’s like it’s not allowed because Chris is not better yet. But I am learning that I need to get out and just have some fun and it’s really okay. It’s okay to laugh again, it’s okay to kid around, it’s okay…it’s just okay.
I give myself permission to enjoy some things, even if it’s just sitting quietly and watching the birds play at the bird feeder outside the window. It’s okay to enjoy time with Ronella and Shawn. And it’s okay to enjoy the grandbaby!
So today, I give myself permission to smile!…and I think I will give myself permission to just relax…