I’m just sitting here wondering how I will get through today. Each morning I wonder what kind of day Chris will have. Days like yesterday make it harder to get through as he just did not feel well. He had a cough which we battled all day. Hopefully, we got ahead of it. I didn’t push him much as I knew he didn’t seem to feel well. Then I feel guilty because I wonder if I’m doing him more harm than good!
It’s so hard to know what to do. I know the studies I have done talk about just sitting up can be stimulus for someone recovering from a TBI. We did watch a couple of episodes of Star Gate. I worked with his legs some and his arms, but always wonder if I am doing it correctly, doing it enough or need to do more or less. It’s always a guessing game. I call it “Playing Guess and Check.”
We play this game a lot since he is not verbal enough to tell me what he needs. I try something to see if it will work and then if he’s not happy or seems uncomfortable we try something else. This can be a vicious cycle sometimes. But I am thinking maybe we need to do more of that in the church.
The difficulty for me is his lack of the ability to communicate. He can’t tell me, “my sock is wrinkled in my shoe.” When I find something like that I feel so bad! But I have to know that I really can’t always cover everything every time! I want to be perfect. I know nursing is not my “calling!” And if I didn’t know before all this happened I would certainly know it by now! lol! I have done some crazy stuff. Those are the things I hope he doesn’t remember!
I hope he remembers me being with him 24/7. I hope he remembers me holding him and crying and praying. I hope he remembers that I pushed him and wouldn’t let him quit. I hope he remembers how I kept encouraging him and telling him it’s going to be alright and how good he’s doing.
I don’t know how much he is going to remember when all this is done, and there are lots of things I hope he won’t recall, like the pain. I miss him so much. It seems like as he is waking up and becoming more alert I miss him even more…
Today I have to remind myself that God remembers. God has seen every moment of this journey even before it began. I am sure He is hoping that I remember He is with us on the walk through the furnace. I know He wants me to remember that He is there to encourage me day by day. He wants us to remember that He is our strength and we really can trust Him. I hope Chris remembers these things too!