I hope he remembers…

I’m just sitting here wondering how I will get through today. Each morning I wonder what kind of day Chris will have. Days like yesterday make it harder to get through as he just did not feel well. He had a cough which we battled all day. Hopefully, we got ahead of it. I didn’t push him much as I knew he didn’t seem to feel well. Then I feel guilty because I wonder if I’m doing him more harm than good!

It’s so hard to know what to do. I know the studies I have done talk about just sitting up can be stimulus for someone recovering from a TBI. We did watch a couple of episodes of Star Gate. I worked with his legs some and his arms, but always wonder if I am doing it correctly, doing it enough or need to do more or less. It’s always a guessing game. I call it “Playing Guess and Check.”

We play this game a lot since he is not verbal enough to tell me what he needs. I try something to see if it will work and then if he’s not happy or seems uncomfortable we try something else. This can be a vicious cycle sometimes. But I am thinking maybe we need to do more of that in the church.

The difficulty for me is his lack of the ability to communicate. He can’t tell me, “my sock is wrinkled in my shoe.” When I find something like that I feel so bad! But I have to know that I really can’t always cover everything every time! I want to be perfect. I know nursing is not my “calling!” And if I didn’t know before all this happened I would certainly know it by now! lol! I have done some crazy stuff. Those are the things I hope he doesn’t remember!

I hope he remembers me being with him 24/7. I hope he remembers me holding him and crying and praying. I hope he remembers that I pushed him and wouldn’t let him quit. I hope he remembers how I kept encouraging him and telling him it’s going to be alright and how good he’s doing.

I don’t know how much he is going to remember when all this is done, and there are lots of things I hope he won’t recall, like the pain. I miss him so much. It seems like as he is waking up and becoming more alert I miss him even more…

Today I have to remind myself that God remembers. God has seen every moment of this journey even before it began. I am sure He is hoping that I remember He is with us on the walk through the furnace. I know He wants me to remember that He is there to encourage me day by day. He wants us to remember that He is our strength and we really can trust Him. I hope Chris remembers these things too!

  1. #1 by Connie on October 15, 2010 - 2:21 am

    As you operate in the presence and guidance of the Holy Spirit, I have no doubt that He is leading you to do and say much of what you share with Chris; so Chris will remember:
    John 14:26 (NKJV) 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach Chris all things, and bring to his remembrance all things that I said to him (my paraphrase). Hugs


  2. #2 by Jeanie Olinger on October 15, 2010 - 3:26 am

    Thanks Connie, I do pray out loud for Chris a lot. Then there are times like tonight and I cannot fix whatever is making him uncomfortable. May be allergies, or a headache, I have no idea! I don’t even know what to pray so I just pray in the Spirit as I am tending to him…I wonder when he is restored if he will not remember me at all, but will tell of all the angelic beings he saw who were attending to him. That would be cool! He sometimes looks off and I wonder what he’s really looking at….just never know!

    Thanks for hangin’
    love ya


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