Today has been really good so far. My aunt and uncle came and shared with me this morning. We had our own “service” where I did a few of my songs for them and Uncle Roger shared from the scriptures…. totally refreshing! They have been so supportive during all of this time I appreciate and love them so much! (they’ll never know!!)
I am thinking that the crushing is bringing forth His fragrance in my life. I hope that is the effect at least. Maybe I am not there yet, but my hope and prayer is that in this crucible I will be crushed away until only He remains. I hope in the writings and any who may visit with me you find His fragrance is all that is left behind. At the same time I fear I depress everyone! That’s really not my purpose…I hope someone somewhere is being encouraged to hang on to their faith even though they are facing a furnace in their own lives.
So here’s my problem… wonderful as it is! Chris has no tone. That’s the wonderful part. The problem part is that he has to be lifted a lot more. He is having difficulty standing as before the tone caused by the brain injury was helping him out a lot, but now it’s all him. Actually I have done okay today. But it’s like the progress means I have to start all over again!
I have to decide how to cut back his muscle relaxer again without getting all the tone back. I will probably call Valir if it continues for a day or so more. It’s like it’s a big guessing game, guessing what to do next and then checking to see if it will work…then adjusting if it does or not. It’s kinda like just about the time you “get in the groove” something changes so there’s no where to rest. There’s no place to stop as we are always pressing forward. This is really a good problem to have…but very tiring. And tired I am! I am not discouraged or depressed, but I am tired!
I get tired of wiping up his drool, I shouldn’t have to be doing that! (but I do it because I love him)…while my heart cries because of who he has been. Even with the progress and the movement beginning to return the progress can bring tears for two reasons. One is that I am excited when I can visually see some forward motion in this forever long battle. the other is that it isn’t supposed to be the things I am rejoicing in with my 26 year old son. I am supposed to be rejoicing at his first job, his college graduation, his wedding plans or a percussion piece getting published in some music book I’ve never heard of but he assures me it is one of the top and a high honor. Instead I am rejoicing that he is feeding himself three or four bites or he can count to five up and down with his fingers on his left hand. While I am so happy about the progress there’s always an underlying sadness.
The absence of tone is truly a reason for happiness. It means some of the damage doesn’t have a foothold anymore. It’s kind of like he’s been released. This is wonderful; but now I have to start all over with standing! But hey, progress is progress! So I must refocus myself for starting over again; and this I will do! It really is a wonderful problem to have.
My uncle shared this morning that “God will” and I know He will so that’s what I hold on to today. God’s promised to restore Chris so I wait…that’s the hard part! But I will rest in His promise today even though I am having to regroup and figure all this out again…I wait and believe no matter what I see! …and there is my faith for the day!