We certainly have to make the best of what we have at our disposal every day. I sucked it up and played one of Chris’ marching videos for him today. I was glad I did as his response was phenomenal. He lifted his head up off the bed to watch it on the television. Then I handed him a drum stick and he let out this huge sigh and reached out to take it. I even tried to get him to hit it on a book and he got pretty close! But the progress still carried a shadow of who Chris was before the accident. While I was so happy to see him moving I still had tears in my eyes from sadness.
I thought back to all the times I watched him march. And as joyful as that was I regretted all the times I chose other things over him. I did the same to my daughter too. But life doesn’t offer any do-overs!
I struggled so many times when obligations and ministry were scheduled on the same day as one of them had something planned. I thought I was doing what was right in selecting ministry. But you know they say hind sight is 20/20. I think if I could do it over I would pick the kids first.
As I was talking to a friend today she said, ” you just never know what a day will bring.” I said, “Boy you got that right!” We have to live every day to the fullest. We can not make decisions based on what might or might not happen. We didn’t see all this coming. But I still have regrets.
However, there is one day that I don’t regret at all. It was the last day Chris was going to march with the NSU band. I had other ministry related things that I needed (and wanted) to do. But I chose to go against the flow and go watch Chris march that fall day. I had no idea it really would be the last time he would march and I would be reading and studying on how to get him to just walk again!
I’m doing a lot of reflecting, the furnace gives plenty of time for that. And it changes you. I don’t know how the fire changes you but it changes you from the inside out. Somehow things that used to weigh so much don’t carry the weight they used to. I guess all the extra baggage just gets burned off in the fire of the furnace.
I have thought a lot about the simple wait. You know, waiting on God. I know what He has promised no matter what I see. But I still have to work through the process. I choose to rejoice in the progress Chris makes rather than get bogged down in the what-could-have-beens. That’s a difficult part of waiting too. Knowing what God has said but not able to see how He is going to bring it about! I’m guessing the simple word for that is “trust”.
So today, let us trust Him as we wait for Him. He has time in His hands and in His timing everything He promised is already done. We cannot lose heart, cannot lose faith… He who promised is faithful. Hudson Taylor says, “When I am faith-less He is faith-full”….