I had a chance to get out for a little while this morning. Chris’ dad came and took care of him for about three hours so I could run some errands and just get out. I ended up at Starbucks. (had a gift card – thanks Uncle Roger and Aunt Mary!!) I just took a few minutes and sat still to drink a cafe mocha. It was so good! It was nice to just sit out in the sunshine and be able to clear my mind.
This afternoon I got to spend with Ronella (my daughter) and her family. They have been such a blessing during this time. They come on Friday nights just to chill. We eat supper together and visit or watch a movie. It’s such a great evening for me. I worry sometimes because I feel like through all this with Chris Ronella is missing out on a mom too. I’m so involved in taking care of Chris that she doesn’t get all she should. We took a mother-daughter day a while back but it’s been months… it was a great day too. Makes me smile to just think about it.
I have to be careful to not just count losses. I mean basically, on November 8, 2008 my life ended. I had settled into Chicago and the world was at my fingertips. I was living an every day adventure! But if I get caught up in all that I forget that a lot of other people lost too. Chris was a wonderful person! He had a great personality. He knew lots of people and they knew him…and enjoyed him (mostly).
Lots of people lost out. Ronella misses her brother. Chris’ dad misses a son too. He’s a grandchild, a brother in law, and now an uncle. I sometimes can get so caught up in my own pain that I forget others are hurting too. But then if I begin to think about all of it I can become overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s because of this need to “take care of everybody.” I don’t want anyone to miss out.. I want to help everyone work through it. Sometimes I get so underneath the load I feel like I am no good to anyone else either.
I have to keep my focus outward. I keep my eyes on Jesus. It is only in considering Him that I have the strength to make another day. He endured His own furnace as did all of our heroes in Hebrews 11.
Today was really a pretty good day overall. Getting out to let my brain clear helped me work it all out today. I still have the night to go though! Hopefully it will be a good one. I get tired because as a general rule Chris wakes me up about every 2 to 3 hours. Every once in awhile he will sleep 4 or 5 hours. I’m hoping for a little rest tonight. I know the Lord is my rest. Tonight I watched “What’s Done In the DArk” by Tyler Perry. In it Tamela Mann sings “Step Aside.” That song always blesses me. It reminds me that God is the One who can make a difference. It is Him who is working on Chris. I need to step aside and let Him work it all out. When days were tough I used to rewind it and watch it over and over again! … A sure sign things are better, I only watched it once tonight!