Starbucks! Yeah!

I had a chance to get out for a little while this morning. Chris’ dad came and took care of him for about three hours so I could run some errands and just get out. I ended up at Starbucks. (had a gift card – thanks Uncle Roger and Aunt Mary!!) I just took a few minutes and sat still to drink a cafe mocha. It was so good! It was nice to just sit out in the sunshine and be able to clear my mind.

This afternoon I got to spend with Ronella (my daughter) and her family. They have been such a blessing during this time. They come on Friday nights just to chill. We eat supper together and visit or watch a movie. It’s such a great evening for me. I worry sometimes because I feel like through all this with Chris Ronella is missing out on a mom too. I’m so involved in taking care of Chris that she doesn’t get all she should. We took a mother-daughter day a while back but it’s been months… it was a great day too. Makes me smile to just think about it.

I have to be careful to not just count losses. I mean basically, on November 8, 2008 my life ended. I had settled into Chicago and the world was at my fingertips. I was living an every day adventure! But if I get caught up in all that I forget that a lot of other people lost too. Chris was a wonderful person! He had a great personality. He knew lots of people and they knew him…and enjoyed him (mostly).

Lots of people lost out. Ronella misses her brother. Chris’ dad misses a son too. He’s a grandchild, a brother in law, and now an uncle. I sometimes can get so caught up in my own pain that I forget others are hurting too. But then if I begin to think about all of it I can become overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s because of this need to “take care of everybody.” I don’t want anyone to miss out.. I want to help everyone work through it. Sometimes I get so underneath the load I feel like I am no good to anyone else either.

I have to keep my focus outward. I keep my eyes on Jesus. It is only in considering Him that I have the strength to make another day. He endured His own furnace as did all of our heroes in Hebrews 11.

Today was really a pretty good day overall. Getting out to let my brain clear helped me work it all out today. I still have the night to go though! Hopefully it will be a good one. I get tired because as a general rule Chris wakes me up about every 2 to 3 hours. Every once in awhile he will sleep 4 or 5 hours. I’m hoping for a little rest tonight. I know the Lord is my rest. Tonight I watched “What’s Done In the DArk” by Tyler Perry. In it Tamela Mann sings “Step Aside.” That song always blesses me. It reminds me that God is the One who can make a difference. It is Him who is working on Chris. I need to step aside and let Him work it all out. When days were tough I used to rewind it and watch it over and over again! … A sure sign things are better, I only watched it once tonight!

//

Advertisements
  1. #1 by Joanne Bush on October 3, 2010 - 11:23 am

    When I read these posts it brings to my own memory the affect the changes in your life have made on my own life. I’m glad you have the courage to talk about them as you are working through them. The many changes that took place in my life at the same time you made your transition have still been tucked inside my heart. The most fraudulent and deceptive thought that comes to people is that someone else hurts worse than you…or you do not have it so bad; look at what others are going through. So, as a result they sit and watch others hurt while they, themselves, are walking through unrelenting pain.

    I have thought often of the last conversation I had with Chris when he came and talked with you, me and Dad at the church…and we all ate pizza. I remember the day when he picked up my guitar and played it like it was made for his hands. I remember thinking that as long as I had that guitar I came no where near playing it like he did. I regret declining your invitations for me to come visit whenever Chris and Ronella came to town. I so wanted you to have those precious times with your children. Now I wish I had partaken of that as well.

    Anyway, thanks for your transparency.

    Like

    • #2 by Jeanie Olinger on October 3, 2010 - 12:38 pm

      Apostle, thank you so much for reading and sharing. It is true we all tend to have deep pain that is not dealt with. My prayer is that as I work through this situation I am in others will find the courage to raise their head up and face the pain. It really makes a world of difference in how we are able to deal with it. ( but I am just now finding this out!)

      I hadn’t thought of the particular day you mentioned. But it was a great day. Chris’ determination to know God puts many of us to shame. He was not perfect as we all know, but he was determined to get there. Actually one of our last conversations via phone before the accident he was talking about getting rid of literally everything. He said he just wanted to walk. And of course prophetically, though we didn’t know it at the time, he said he wanted to head west through the desert. For some reason he felt as though he needed to go through a “very dry place” but that God would be on the other side. He is in that dry place I am sure.

      His life and struggles along with his talent remind me so much of Keith Green. I hope he’ll let me help him write his book (at least a little bit of editing) when this is done!

      Thanks so much for sharing. And you were always welcome at my table…still are.

      Like

  2. #3 by toni corbin on October 3, 2010 - 1:03 pm

    woman you are speaking my life-we are so parelell-wallace has a sister with children and i know she is getting short end of stick as are my beautiful grandchildren—glad you got out for awhile

    Like

  3. #4 by Jeanie Olinger on October 3, 2010 - 1:55 pm

    Toni,
    Hopefully there is a little comfort in there somewhere… maybe together we can come up with some ways to help our daughters and grandchildren! They have been so good about coming and helping with Chris. It means the world. My son-in-law and daughter have helped so very much. They help transfer Chris and sit with him while I get out almost every Monday night. They come on Friday nights too, pretty much every week. They have been one of the biggest blessings and strengths to me during this time!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: