My mom and I were talking last night and she asked if he had some drum sticks. I told her he has a set here and occasionally I will put them in his hands. She asked if he watches some of his marching videos and I told her we really do not watch them very often. The truth is I just can’t handle it emotionally. It’s tough seeing him as he was and then as he is today.
I miss Chris greatly. We used to sit on the front porch, drink coffee and talk for hours. We could thoroughly hash out all the world’s and church’s problems! He was considered by many of his friends as a philosopher in his own right! ..indeed!
He usually didn’t call very often. I finally adjusted to that. I figured if he didn’t call there wasn’t a problem! But that changed after I moved to Chicago. He was so excited about my moving there! He felt like I had the world at my fingertips and I would just be jumping off from Chicago. He even started a financial venture and they had him write his goals. One of his goals was to make enough money to live moderately and send me wherever God said. He wanted to just be able to say, “wanna go to the Bronx? I can get you there!” That was one of our last conversations. He grabbed onto the vision of me traveling and believed it so he wanted to help…
But now he hasn’t spoken in almost two years. I miss our talks. I miss drinking coffee with him and making that…one more pot! I think part of the fire is grieving who he was while seeing who he is today. I get lost wondering what he’ll look like, who he’ll be when this is all done. I can get bogged down in the fact that it’s been almost two years and this is all we have…yet I must encourage myself with the progress I see him make each day. It’s so small compared to where I want him to be.. but it is progress nonetheless.
I have loved much.. but never felt a love this deep, this strong. I wish that was enough to heal and to make him better…but it is not. But is does keep me taking care of my son, the one I have today. I want him to enjoy something, want a burger and fries, get a corona with a lime and smile once again! But he doesn’t “enjoy” anything. He seemingly has no desires…he just sits, or stands, or whatever I tell him to do taking no initiative for such movements on his own. But I love him still…this Chris I have today. I don’t understand it, I don’t get anything back for it…but this love has a grip on my heart that I cannot understand or explain.
I tell him over and over how much I love him; how proud I am of all the work he’s doing to get better. And every once in awhile he smiles this little spontaneous smile, and it makes my day!
I have dreams about him playing the drums again or talking to me. But then I wake up and glance toward his bed and see that he’s still there. Again I am thankful for the progress he’s making and the progress he’s even made today. It seems like it’s better…it’s just been so long.
I miss Chris and all he was (frustrations included!)… but I love the Chris I have today and I simply cannot explain it!