Today is not too bad so far. It may because I got to run this morning. I left my watch at the house and just ran as far as I wanted. It seems my head gets pretty clear while I am out enjoying the neighborhood.
Running does several things for me. It helps my body put all the negative energy produced by stress somewhere constructive. It lets me set goals and reach them so I can find a measure of success! And it helps me feel better physically overall. And somewhere in there my mind seems to be able to settle down. It seems like I can solve all the world’s problems while running! … yeah I wish!
I heard the aid reading Chris a very familiar scripture this morning. I immediately recognized it as Psalm 77. The psalmist is trying to figure out if God’s pleasure has gone away. I can say I have had these questions myself during this furnace.
“Will Adonai reject forever? Will He never show His favor again? Has His grace permanently disappeared? Is His word to all generations done away? Has God forgotten to be compassionate? Has He in anger withheld His mercy?”
Wow, I thought I was the question queen!! Those are a lot of questions that sure seem to come from pain. I have to say I have asked many of them and more. It is difficult when in the furnace to see God’s favor. I wonder if I’ve done something to cause Him to turn His face away…since He doesn’t seem to hear.
Having to live in government housing and eat by using food stamps do not seem to be His blessing..at least not on one hand. Is this His “plan of hope” for me? Yet I must also realize how He has provided for this entire journey. That takes away any of my reasons to doubt.
How can this furnace be God’s grace? How can this be a place of compassion as I struggle watching my son. Has He rejected us? Sometimes I feel that way…
But then the psalmist goes on to say that his weakness is in thinking that God’s right hand could change….and begins to remind himself of the things God has done before.
These are the moments that I have to make a choice. I can either be engulfed in the sorrow of today or I can choose to think about the things He has done and find some things to be thankful for.
Immediately my whole outlook changes. I can be thankful that right now as I write this Chris is sitting in the recliner actually watching the Stargate dvd that is playing! I will be thankful for the yogurt and peaches he ate earlier without choking. I am thankful that he is awake more and more all the time. He is not sleeping 24/7 anymore….
This is the way I will make it through today… thanksgiving for what ever I can find to be thankful for! And I will get through one more day …in the furnace…