Bedtime here is pretty crazy. I actually put Chris to bed around 6 pm. I bolus him and make sure he is dry. I also have to turn him every little bit.
I talk to him while I am feeding him. Sometimes I get tired of hearing my own voice and no others. I talk about random things to him. I tell about my mom who was taken to the hospital tonight, talk about the grandbaby and just about anything. Today of course my team won so I also talk about the football league. (and my fantasy league)… I talk to him as though he understands every word.. but of course there’s never a response… Oh how I long to hear his voice one more time!!
I have some of his music and such. I play it sometimes but honestly, I cannot stand it. It breaks my heart to see all he has done and then to see him lying there helpless like that. Can’t fix it, it’s gut wrenching… every night.
But no matter what I am feeling I tell him how good he is doing. I point out every little tiny progress he’s made today and let him know how proud I am of him getting better. I tell him how he is getting better all the time….. then go to the other room to cry….
That’s when I have to get my heart and mind together or it will get me down… I have to go back to the things God said about Chris before he was born. I think about the things God told Chris specifically when he was just a child. Then I go to the promises he’s given even since the time of the wreck… and faith is there to lift me out of the pit for one more minute…
I know God is with me…but sometimes it seems like I am in hell.. but of course I think of Psalm 139 where the psalmist said, “If I make my bed in hell, even there you are with me”… I cannot doubt His presence, I just don’t understand and that makes it hard to hold on for very long…
So I settle down to writing online. Trying to make a few pennies here and there to help out. And I look around and marvel at God’s provision… surely the God of Jakob is with us…there is no room for fear or fainting….