This is my first blog from the furnace. I have been asked to write a book about what I am going through. However, it is difficult to get my head around that thought as it seems as though there is no end in sight. It is also still too emotional to try to write about it presently.
So I will be writing from the furnace, while I am going through the fire. Each day I must decide how to make it through and attempt to keep my faith intact. That is not always as easy as it seems. If I could get away and “get my head” about me it would be much easier it seems. But I have to be here face to face with the situation that is warring at my soul.
I watch my son improve a tiny bit each day. But sometimes the pain of just seeing him in this state is so great I cannot carry it alone, although I must. As I watch him sit, unable to do even the smallest things for himself my heart weeps.
Sometimes I rejoice when he reaches out with his usable hand, or lifts his leg on his own. There are the times of brief exhilaration when he smiles spontaneously. Only to be sucked back into the reality of now. He has to have assistance to do anything…and he has not spoken in almost two years now.
How do I make it through while my heart is breaking? I cannot let him see me cry, I must be strong for his sake. I also try to make sure I am always positive to him, in my motions and my words. I tell him how good he’s doing even when I am having to do for him.
So how do I function in the furnace? Perhaps it is simply because I have no other option! Each day I must try to figure out how to get my faith in motion and make it through the day without falling apart. This blog is directed to those who are going through. We get to hear stories all the time about how people made it through, but rarely do we get to experience it with them, watching them gather strength each day for the journey. We just hear about the journey past.
I hope in some small way there will be those who are living in their own furnace who can find hope, help and encouragement by reading about my journey while I am still in the fire. I draw my strength from the Word of God. I know of and am not looking for any other source.
Today is a medium day. I take it easy on Sundays. I already bathed Chris and he is resting for his two hours of no stimulation. He is awake today. Actually most days now he is very awake and alert. That is a plus. But even though this is our rest day I feel like I fall far short of what he needs, mostly because I am not sure of what I am supposed to be doing! Later I will get him up, which is getting easier and I hope to take him outside for a little while.
Today is one of those days I can only put one foot in front of the other for this journey. I must look at how far Chris has come and not how far he has to go. I remind myself that God is faithful no matter what I face, or how hot the fire is. I read from Isaiah this morning. In chapter 41 verse 10 God is assuring His people that He is with them. He says do not look anxiously about you and that is my choice today. I will keep my mind from wandering onto all the things I wish I could change. I will embrace this day, do what I can and not worry about the rest
The last part of this verse says I will strengthen you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I must chose to rest in that today. I am in His hand, and I will trust Him just like Job. He trusted the Lord so much that he stated: though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. That’s where I am today…though it’s heavy, though it’s tough and I see little progress, I will trust that I am in His hand. I trust that He is with me on this journey and the promises He made are not void! That is what I will hold on to today….